Tag Archives: funny

Honey, I’m Home!

18 Oct

That’s right.  My absence can be attributed to the time I’ve had to spend in prison these past few months after being charged with aggressive and lewd behavior.

I’m totally kidding.  I’m not aggressive or lewd.  Nor did I do time in the pokey.  I’ve just been busy moving back home after the tornado pulled its stunt at the beginning of the year.  And enrolling my kid in a cyber academy.

I’ll bet that if you scroll through all the posts on this website along with all the posts on my previous blog sites….you’ll no doubt find that I did some homeschool-bashing at one point.  In my defense, I’m not REALLY homeschooling.  Technically, it’s a public charter school with real teachers, a schedule, curriculum.  I think we all know what would happen if I was solely responsible for my kid’s education.  It’d go a little something like this:

It’s going a little bit like a pimple.  It hurts but you know it’ll eventually get better.  I hope.  I’ve been taking an obnoxious number of showers.  It’s my escape.  The “ME” time that will keep me from developing a twitch.  I mean, right now it’s all I got.  If you click on “My Shop” at the top of the page, you’ll see nothing.  Not a thing.  I should put a tumbleweed gif up in there and tell people to keep the faith.  Maybe one day I’ll get back to making that fake food that people were so willing to pay top dollar for.

Until that happens, I’ll be right here.  All day.  All week.  Instructing and implementing techniques to keep a 12 year old corralled like a wild horse straight out of a cheesy western movie. Maybe I’ll share some tips and insights.  Maybe I won’t.  Like I’ve said before…..it’s all a crap shoot, man.  And sometimes the dice are loaded. Sometimes they’re not.


Cronut Crack

9 Feb



I screwed up.  I screwed up bad, yo.  Yesterday I slithered through the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru for an iced coffee and saw that they had croissant donuts on the menu.  So I was like, “Don’t mind if I do!”  And I did.  Oh did I ever.  I know, I know.  I’m a little late to the party.  I mean, they’ve been around for what….4 years now?

Now ya’ll know I make fake pastries and sell them on the internets…so I was already aware of Dominique Ansel’s Bakery in New York.  (I try to use real food as inspiration.)  But somehow I totally missed the fact that he’s the one who actually invented the Cronut.  I vaguely remember seeing something on the Today Show about long lines trying to get some donut hybrid thing, but I didn’t pay much attention.  I don’t do chatty early morning talk shows. Also, I try to stay away from fads until they are no longer fads.

But I’m here to tell you right now this very moment that I am unequivocally addicted to the Dunkin Donut Boston Kreme Croissant Donut like a squirrel on smack.  This morning I went creeping up in there like a Ninja.  They totally remembered me.  I’m like that crackhead that circles around the block and comes back trying to act like he someone else.  Only I’m not someone else.  I’m just an aging woman with a bad back and no shame.

My kid can never find out about this.  Like ever.


5th Grade Lunch Bag Countdown: 160 More Days

24 Aug

160 161 162


5th Grade Lunch Bag Countdown: 163 More Days

19 Aug


Disco Seashells

18 Aug

I’ve always had a hard time saying the word, ‘seashell’.  I tend to say ‘sheshell’ before rapidly correcting myself. If the person I’m speaking to chuckles, this thought immediately runs through my head:


Anyway, seashells have been piling up around here for the past few years and I’ve been at a loss about how to handle their business.  I mean, I’m not exactly a fan of seashell crafts and bathroom bowls.  Not that there’s anything wrong with those things.  It’s just a personality quirk of mine.  I also have a hard time controlling myself around decorative soap when I’m a guest in someone else’s home.  The sight of stamped soap balls  all nestled in a glass dish make me want to immediately soil my hands so I can furiously scrub them with the fancy soap balls.

Back to the sheshells.  (I totally just accidentally misspelled that word and I’m not correcting it to prove my point.)  I blame that song, ‘Disco Inferno’ for my irresponsibility and lack of remorse when it comes to glitter.  Seriously.  You give me some Mod Podge and flocking glitter and I’ll make it look like Elton John moved in.  All over the place.

So putting glitter on seashells should be no surprise to anyone; however, I’ll deny that I had anything to do with glitter being all over my kid’s homework.  Like I said.  Irresponsible.  You know that look people get when they come face to face with a resident of crazy town?  That’s how my daughter looked at me when I proudly showed her my day’s work.  Like side-eyeing Chloe.


Her look became even more concerned when I started laughing so hard that tears were coming out. I totally amuse myself.  Like when I slightly edited this Chloe pic to make her look less concerned and more disgusted.  I laughed so hard that the cat went skidding out of the room.


The disgusted look came when I said, “Hey man.  Put your ear up to this shell.  You don’t hear the ocean.  You hear disco music.”

Oh c’mon.  That was funny.

seashells2 seashells3 seashells4 seashells6


5th Grade Lunch Bag Countdown: 164 More Days

18 Aug

164 165 166 167 168 169 170

5th Grade Lunch Bag Countdown: 172 More Days

8 Aug

172 173


5th Grade Lunch Bag Countdown: 176 More Days

2 Aug


4th Grade Lunch Bag Countdown: Zip Zero Nada!

22 May

I have been so hammered with work over the past month that I’ve neglected to post the bag pics.  I know, I know.  I’m like the worst blogger EVER.  Anyway….here’s the wrap up.  Now I have to find something else to do this summer .

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Happy 90th, Queen Elizabeth!

21 Apr

queen lizI love the Queen.  I really do.  And not for her pomp and circumstance.  No.  I love her because she’s ornery.  Like that time when she jumped out of a helicopter with James Bond.  Well, she didn’t REALLY jump.  A stunt person did.  But she WAS in the helicopter and made one helluva entrance to the 2012 London Olympics.  You just know she has a wicked sense of humor made even funnier with the whole crown and robe thing.

In 1977, during the Silver Jubilee festivities, the Queen was informed that perhaps just maybe things were going terribly wrong with the pyrotechnics.  To which she replied, “Oh good.  What fun!”  I mean, who doesn’t like to see an explosion.  I could sit here all day and talk about the Queen’s shenanigans…really, I could.  But I won’t.  I’ll just highlight a few of my faves.

So Happy Birthday, Queen Elizabeth!  Drank yourself a toddy, girl.


  •  During her 1977 Silver Jubilee, she expressed concern that President Idi Amin would gatecrash her party.  He didn’t.  But when asked what she would’ve done had that actually happened, Lord Mountbatten quotes her as saying, “She had decided she would use the City’s Pearl Sword, which the Lord Mayor had placed in front of her, to hit him hard over the head with.
  •  She has an ATM in her basement.
  • She isn’t require to have a driver’s license and is infamous for driving her Range Rover over hill and dale like Cruella de Ville. Also, she refuses to wear a seat belt and has had two formal complaints filed against her for terrorizing pedestrians in Windsor Great Park.
  • She is immune from prosecution.  Meaning, she could hit anyone she wanted with the City’s Pearl Sword and no one could do a bloody thing about it.
  • She owns all of the swans in the River Thames.  ALL of them.
  • Also, she owns all of the whales and sturgeons in the waters surrounding the U.K.
  • She has a not-so-secret tactic of switching her handbag from arm to the other to indicate to her staff that she’s entirely bored with the person she’s conversing with.
  • She was born in a house that is now a Chinese restaurant.
  • Canada sent her a gift of two black beavers, which are now housed in the London Zoo.
  • Brazil sent her a sloth.  Which was also sent to the zoo.
  • She knows and can change a spark plug.
  • The Queen loves her some “Game of Thrones” and even visited the set in 2014.
  • She’s been emailing since 1976.
  • Her official wedding cake was made with ingredients donated by the Australian Girl Scouts.  (Nutella maybe?)
  • How ’bout she fired a footman for giving her Corgi some whiskey drank?!
  • It is recorded that the Queen was a mischievous little imp that liked to climb on tables and hit people in the face with crackers.
  • And to sum it all up, I’ll let the Queen have the final word: “I have to be seen to be believed.”
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