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Valentine Yum Yums

21 Jan

I’m finally getting back into the swang ‘o thangs in my shop.  If I weren’t the boss, I’d totally fire myself.  These Valentine treats were just listed and yes.  I’m shamefully plugging.

Click pics to visit shop.

mini cake collage vtine bonbon collage vtine bonbons collage2

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Happy Holidays From Me to Ewe

28 Dec

I’ve come to realize that my favorite time of the year is the week after Christmas.  Being lazy, eating leftover ham, playing with toys, reading new books.  Getting the flu.  Yeah.  The whole flippin’ family got the flu…both strains even.  At least it was gracious enough to let me finish my decorating extravaganza.

So a belated happy holidays from my illin’ home to yours:

bad dog blossoms blue flake candy baby collage candy cane tree2 candy cane trees candy house candy plate collage candy swirl china cookie ornaments cookie ornaments2 cookie plate counter den tree dining room dining room2 elf bath elf elf2 fake cookies felt tree foam house gift shop gifts gingerbread garland glitter house house collage let it snow lobby tree mantle collage metal snowman new wreath new wreath2 paris shop collage peanut butter balls pharmacy pinecone pink flake pink sled pink snowman popsicle porch porch2 santa shop stockings shop stockings2 skate sled snowman ornaments snowman sweet house sweet house2 sweet house3 sweet house4 sweet shop collage tin gift tree ornament tree ornaments2 tulle tree window wood gifts wooden tree xmas kitty xmas paintings xmas people collage xmas town collage xmas train collage xmas trifle xmas village collage3 class tree collage2 school ornaments teacher ornament

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Lunch Bag Countdown: 91 More Days

13 Dec

91

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Lunch Bag Countdown: 92 More Days

12 Dec

92

I Love Cookies!

29 Aug

I don’t always make cookies.  But when I do, I always use the Mrs. Fields sugar cookie recipe.  It’s the most awesome dough of all time.  You can find the recipe here.  The trick is to barely bake them.  The second the bottoms start to turn golden, get them out of there.  Even if they look “raw”…they firm up after cooling down.  Same goes for the oatmeal cookie recipe below.  Here are some of my sinful indulgences:

Now.  Here is the best oatmeal cookie recipe EVER.  I’m not sure where I got the recipe, but here it is.  Also, these will help you go to the bathroom:

Oatmeal Cookies

*  2 cups all-purpose flour

*  1/2 tsp. baking powder

*  1 tsp. baking soda

*  1/2 tsp. salt

*  1/2 cup butter

*  1/2 cup vegetable oil

*  1 cup packed brown sugar

*  1 cup white sugar

*  2 eggs

*  3-4 cups quick cooking oats (dough will be thick)

1)  Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2)  Sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Set aside.

3)  In medium bowl, cream the butter, oil, brown sugar and white sugar until smooth.  Beat in eggs.

4)  Gradually stir in sifted ingredients until well blended.  Mix in oats.  (An electric mixer makes this MUCH easier).

5)  Use small cookie dough scoop.  Bake 5-7 minutes.

6)  Immediately after removing from oven, lightly pat down the top of cookie with the back of a fork.  This gives that “bakery” look.

The Push-Pop Trend

13 Feb

Looks like the long-standing cupcake trend has had a make-over.  And you know what?  I totally dig it!  I’m honked off that I didn’t think of this in the first place.  Of course, the first thing my cheap self thought when I saw these was, “Yessss!  I can make push-ups with that cheap sherbet and my kid will never know they’re not the grossly over-priced rainbow ones!”

You can find these push-pop containers at the Layer Cake Shop (my fave place for baking supplies).  I can’t wait to make some of these myself.   These are a few that are inspiring me to binge on cake batter and sprinkles.  (Click on image to visit site).

I’m a Slacker

10 Dec

I’m posting these pics because I didn’t have time to make the traditional Christmas dress for the kid this year.  I made all this mess last year when she went to the Grove Park Inn to view the monstrous gingerbread houses.  When she found out she was going, she dropped the not-so-subtle hint:

“I think I will need a gingerbread dress.  Oh!  And a bag.  And probably a little something for my hair.”

When I passed this on to the Husband, he replied with:

“I don’t know what’s worse.  Her demanding this or you going out and actually making all of it.”

Oh, get over it, Daddy.  This is a girl-manipulating-her-Mama thang.  You wouldn’t understand.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Volvo

4 Dec

Whilst driving my kid to school the other morning, I was cut off by a car decorated in the very same get-up pictured here.  I wanted to shield my child’s eyes but I couldn’t reach back there to her car-seat. Two thoughts immediately crossed my mind:

1)  You’re an idiot and probably eat lunch meat for breakfast while having devotions outlining the dangers of sinful living.

2)  At what point did you say to yourself, “Self.  It has become increasingly obvious that my main  mode of transportation needs to represent the joy of Christmas that is nestled within the folds and confines of my heart and soul.  By cracky, I’m thinking reindeer!”

…and then that particularly stupid person went HERE and purchased a reindeer car costume. As Seen On TV.

First of all, products  “As Seen On TV” usually appeal to a particular breed of people that I try to avoid altogether.  You can spot them just about anywhere.  They like to haggle about prices in places like Walgreens and the Golden Corral.  Like they’re at a flea market or something.  Watching them discover a “Seen on TV” product is liken to watching a NASA spaceship make lift-off.  Or like when the caveman discovered he could make fire.

In a nutshell, the fool who cut me off this morning fell hook, line and sinker for the overpriced, obnoxious car reindeer costume.  I plan on tracking this fool later this week.  It shouldn’t be hard, what with the costume and all.  And when I catch him…I’m going to show him the true meaning of Christmas.  That being ‘Giving’.  And what will I give, you may ask?

How ’bout a little “Hook Line and STINKER”…As Seen On TV.

I know some of you are frantically beside yourself to know where to find such a mind-blowing exhibition of novelty.  (Pssst….over here.)  $19.95 + shipping and handling for a never before seen low price of…hang on…gotta count on my fingers here….oh screw it.  It’s cheap.

So go on.  Make your purchase in the safety of your own home, saving yourself the shame of a public purchase.

I ain’t mad atcha.

Sing-A-Smack-A-Jig

3 Dec

I’m just gonna let you sit there for a minute.

Okay, have you taken it all in?  This thing?  With the mouth?  I had a run-in with a whole gang of these things in a posh little children’s boutique up in Ohio.  I saw them the millisecond I walked through the door.  I’ve always been sharp on spotting the n’er-do-wells.  I would have avoided them altogether if my Mom hadn’t run over to them, Pee Wee Herman style.

“Oh, hunny look!!  I think you feed them things!”

“No, ma.  I think they sing or something.”

So she squeezed the lips.  I just stood there.  No way was I joining in on her reindeer games.  She became confused.  She stuck her finger in its mouth, right there between those freaky teeth.  Nothing.  Now they had her.  They’d sucked her in with their mysterious talent.  After about 15 minutes of this, it was just sad.  I had to stop it.  But I couldn’t.  Now I was intrigued with my Mom’s inability to figure out a toy recommended for age 3 and up.

I’d noticed the cashier stop chatting up the stock hottie and nod towards my Mom with a smirk all over his face and in his hair.  They eye-balled me, trying to determine if the ignorant gene had been bequeathed to me.  I rolled my eyes and shook my head to assure them that I had NOT been given the stupid gene and was, in fact, highly intelligent with a bright future ahead of me.

NOTE:

This is my mom:

This is me with a blonde wig on…threatening to steal mom’s identity:

Mom’s somewhat gentle prodding of the toy was starting to morph into textbook physical abuse.  She had the same look in her eye that she’d had when I got caught cheating at the Amish school. (That’s a whole different post altogether.)  I’m all about heckling annoying toys.  It brought me obscene pleasure to kick that Hokey Pokey Elmo over in mid-turn-around.  So I fully appreciated my mom’s abrupt change of mood.  But we were in public.  I beat up toys in the sanctity of my own home.  Not out on the streets like a drunk Mike Tyson.

I made an executive decision to take control of the situation.  It took all of about 5 seconds.  I walked over, pushed my mom (who was now sweating profusely) out of the way and punched the Sing-a-Ma-Jig square in the gut.  Lo and behold, it started singing, “When the Saints Come Marching In.”  I’m serious. It did.  Then I started punching more of them in the gut.  More music!  And they were harmonizing!  The faster you punched, the faster they’d sing!  This was GENIUS!

My mom was so proud of me.  Like I was a Harvard graduate.  I jumped up and down like Rocky.  I fought back the urge to snatch my mom’s bottle of water that she carried in her purse because of medication-induced dry mouth…and dump it all over the top of my head.  I turned to faced the boutique’s employees like, “Now what?!  Boo-ya!  That’s how we roll, yo!  Yee-ah!”

It was suggested that we leave and try out the restaurant on the corner for lunch.  Grand idea!  My mom and I had gotten kicked out of a child’s toy store and we high-fived on our way out the door to congratulate each other on our inherited super badness.  That Sing-a-Ma-Jig was like “Bye Bye” when we walked out the door.  And we were like, “Sit on it, sock mouth!”

We don’t care.  We’re renegades

Dolls and Peeing Dogs

3 Dec

Cute, right?  Barbie….the little puppies…awww.  WRONG!  Not cute at all.  Barbie lays down some paper for her wittle pup…then the pup comes over and pees all over the paper and beautiful pictures and colors appear!!  Wow-wee!  Can you believe it?!  Because this is what happens, right?  Your new little puppy pees on paper and makes beautiful art.  Like magic.

No.  New little puppies pee all over your house, resulting in you having to replace the carpet and tell people they can’t come in your house anymore because the urine stench is unbearable.  Who ARE these toy people making these toy making decisions?!  I’ll bet they smoke weed.  They all sit around a conference table and pass around a blunt….the ideas start flowing like cider…next thing you know, we’re buying our kids peeing pups and street-walkers all in the name of good fun.

Seriously though…I’d love to be a guest on their panel.  I’ve got some ideas of my own that are fairly catchy and marketable.  Such as:

1)  Carl the Crack-head Spends the Night:  Comes with his very own crack-pipe and sleeping bag.  Pull the string and he pees his pants. Tons ‘o fun to be had by all!

2)  Polly the Pick-Pocket: Stealing has never been so fun!

3)  Homeless Hannah:  Looking for a good home and a hot meal!  Her legs even bend.  She comes with nothing.

4)  Bipolar Brianna:  She hates you and you shouldn’t buy her because she’s worthless anyway.

5)  Doug the Fairy:  Use your imagination to remove Doug’s face stubble and Adam’s apple.  Great for grown-ups too!

I’ll be waiting for your phone call, Mattel.  Holla back!

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