Retro Housewife: Mother’s Little Helper

15 Sep



I have an odd fascination with the stereotypical 1950’s housewife.  If I had access to a time warp machine, I’d go back there just to see how long I’d last.  I’d give it less than 24 hours.  Those women were mentally afflicted.  Getting up at least two hours before your husband so he wouldn’t see you in the bathroom slathering Preparation-H under your eyes to reduce any unsightly puff.  By the time he sat down to a full breakfast of juice, milk, coffee, toast, bacon, sausage, maybe a pancake, a poached egg…’d be fresh as a daisy in your crinoline and pumps, lipstick perfectly applied, the right amount of perfume…not too strong…just enough to assure your husband that you still take pride in your personal hygiene.  The kids would come down, yawning, sweetly rumpled.  The lunches already packed and sitting by the front door, you’d make sure Jane’s hair bow was in place and Dick’s socks matched.  You’d wave them off, shut the door and commence to cleaning your house from top to bottom….same dress, same pumps…all without sweating…..and by the time your man comes through the door at 6:00 pm, you’re sliding rack of lamb under his nose while you take his hat and coat, handing him the sports page and an after-dinner cigar.

There’s a reason why divorce and suicide rates were low back then.  “Mother’s Little Helper”.  That’s right.  Valium and Speed.  The Speed was responsible for that insane amount of cleaning that got done in under five hours….and the Valium was to keep you from killing your husband and beating your ungrateful children.

So the question that begs to be answered is this:  What does a perfect housewife look like in 2015?  Probably a woman with some killer ADHD meds.

Back in 2010, Medco reported that among adults, women ages 20‐44 showed the highest prevalence in use of ADHD drugs in 2010 (nearly 2.0 percent) and saw the greatest spike in their numbers, rising 264 percent from 2001 – 2010.  264 PERCENT!  Hey, I’m not pointing fingers here.  I’m one of that 264%.  I’ve been taking 70 mg of Vyvanse for the past seven years and I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s miraculous.  Especially for a creative person like myself.  But it sho don’t make me a perfect housewife!

Now I don’t have to binge-shop for organizational systems to organize my last ten organizational systems.


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