The Rapture: Are Your Underpants Clean?

27 Aug

rapturecollage1

Remember Harold Camping?  He’s the guy who was convinced that on May 21, 2011, we’d all be allegedly smitten by Jesus or smoted.  I know “smoted” isn’t a word….but I think you know what I’m trying to say.  Smote.  As in kick your butt in a celestial way.  Unless you’re perfect and sin-free.  In that case, you’ll jet propel into the skies with Rapture Man leading the charge…bound for glory and all things holy.  Sadly, Harold didn’t live to make another prediction.  He passed on December 15, 2013.  But not before “humbly acknowledging” that he’d made a sinful mistake by trying to guess the rapture date.

Blasphemy you say?  Please.  I had a fundamentalist upbringing.  I’m allowed to have this conversation.  The Rapture was our parent’s weapon of mass destruction.

“If you don’t brush your teeth tonight, you can bet your boogers that you’ll be left behind and have to fix your own breakfast….if there’s even food for you to eat.”

Or…..

“You sit in your room and think long and hard about what it’s going to feel like when they burn that mark of the beast into your forehead.”

Modern day parents have GPS tracking devices to keep track of their younguns.  Mine had, “Be sure your sins will find you out.”

“Hey April!  Let’s go sit in the Kmart parking lot and drink wine coolers!”

“I can’t.  My sins will find me out.”

And most of the time they did.  At the time I thought my parents had special powers.  Now I see that they were just exceptionally good guessers.

At any rate, I had my Rapture plan all figured out by the age of 8.  I was fairly certain I’d be left behind.  And I was more than certain that I’d take the Beastie Mark…because a kid has to eat.  And when the demons came on horseback….I planned to run into the safe and open arms of Canada.  A pretty good plan, eh?

I don’t even KNOW how many Rapture prediction dates have come and gone.  Enough to make a lot of people look void of intellect.  Sort of like Brother Mike over at Brother Mike Ministries.

“Who I am is not important , but leave it to say, I am just another voice crying out in the wilderness, be reconciled to God, for the day of His judgment and wrath is come

That’s how Mike introduces himself.  He too was convinced the skies would start sucking up souls on May 21, 2011. His blog now states:

“Now the next significant events will be when Christ comes to take His people to heaven, destroy this world along with all unsaved people in it, and then create a new heaven and earth where His people will dwell forevermore. There is a possibility that this may all take place on October 6, 2015 (see also verse 20 of Revelation 14 – Part 3).”

I don’t know about you, but on October 6th, I plan on visiting Brother Mike’s website so I can hear the sweet sounds of back-pedaling.  If for some freakish reason Mike speaks the truth….my childhood plan is still in effect.  I got people in Canada.

By the way, am I the only one that sees the resemblance between Rapture Man and Mr. Burns?

burns-collage

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