Cheerwine Ain’t Bringing Me No Cheer

8 Jan


Okay first of all, when I Googled “why does my Cheerwine always explode”, the first thing to pop up was “why does Cheerwine give me diarrhea”.  Well I don’t know.  What I DO know is that every single can of Cheerwine that I open explodes all over the place.  EVERY single one.  From every case and store I’ve purchased it from.  And it’s starting to really honk me off.  I’m talking boycott aggravation.  And you don’t want me dissatisfied with your product.  Because I’ll straight up hunt down the leader of your organization and send a carefully worded email and copy all your competitors.

You ever play the game “Operation”?  You know that knotted up feeling you get, praying to whatever god you serve that you don’t get electrocuted?  That’s how I feel every time I crack open a Cheerwine can.  Also, I whisper to the can through gritted teeth, “Don’t do it man.  Don’t do it.”  But it does it anyway.  Which makes me say a less-than-appropriate word.  Which prompts my kid to look at me with her judgy little eyes and say, “All class, ma.  All class.”

I’m going to digress briefly.  Did you know that hamsters are unable to drink Cheerwine?  I mean, they CAN if they want to.  But they’ll explode.  Because they can’t burp or be all flatulent and whatnot.  I know this because in my search for answers, I read about it on the internet.  I know what you’re thinking with your sarcastic little mind.  “Then it MUST be true, right?”  Oh this is true.  It has to be.  And in order to be factual, it means that someone actually gave a hamster Cheerwine and waited.  Holding back that snorting inappropriate laughing.  And…well….we know how the story ends.  OR….the person was sadistic and fully aware of the fact that a hamster couldn’t burp or flatulate. But they gave it Cheerwine anyway, and waited.  With a Snidely Whiplash kind of laugh.  And that’s just plain sick.

So anyway, now I’m all worked up and I’ve decided that Cheerwine will be getting an email from me.  Not a rude one, just an inquiry.  And if I don’t get a satisfying answer, then this issue will be the subject of my kid’s first science fair project.


2 Responses to “Cheerwine Ain’t Bringing Me No Cheer”

  1. Michael Cargill January 8, 2015 at 8:46 am #

    I’ve never heard of Cheerwine before, but after doing a quick spot of research I can suggest Cherry Coke instead.

    And exploding hamsters sounds brill.


  2. therealgirlfriday January 8, 2015 at 4:09 pm #

    Put own the cheerwine and drink a glass of water!


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