The Ho Ho Incident of 2014

1 Jan


What’s the most popular New Year’s resolution?  You already know.  Lose weight.  Get fit.  Eat better. What ever.  Yet I fear that this year I’ll be joining the weight afflicted horde of the resolute.  I need to lose 13 pounds.  I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but hunny…at my age it may as well be 1,030.

And it all stems back to a period of about 4 days in the middle of 2014 when Satan came to me disguised as a Hostess Ho Ho.  I don’t even like Ho Ho’s….Swiss Cake Rolls….whatever you want to call them.  They’ve never been my snack of choice.  Which is why I know Satan was involved.  Looking back, the days seem to blur together.  If it weren’t for Spouse’s intervention, things could have gotten real ugly.  Uglier.

Basically he stomped into the house, threw down his keys and yelled, “Enough!  There will be no more Ho Ho’s!  The manager at the Dollar General has become suspicious and inferred that the only way a person could eat 25 boxes of Ho Ho’s in such a short time span was if they were smoking copious amounts of weed.  So you’re cut off.  I can’t take any more shame. And I don’t want to have to go to Harvey’s for toilet paper and aluminum foil because your lack of self control has prevented me from shopping at the Dollar General.”

I gained 20 pounds in one week.  I’m not exaggerating.  20 pounds.  In one week.  Seven days.  I did manage to wrestle off 7 pounds but it nearly killed me.  So I need to get back into Yoga.  At one point I was somewhat advanced in the art of the asana.  But a couple of months ago I tried to do a basic tree pose and it looked more like a National Geographic Special.  And not the pretty kind.

So.  I do publicly resolve to beat the brakes off my 13 pounds of shame and sell off my Hostess stock.  Quit looking at me.


4 Responses to “The Ho Ho Incident of 2014”

  1. Michael Cargill January 1, 2015 at 3:03 pm #

    Ho ho ho or no, I still reckon you’re looking just so.


    • April Trice January 2, 2015 at 9:51 am #

      And a happy new year new year to you, my English friend!


  2. hillbillyzen13 January 3, 2015 at 12:25 pm #

    After consuming obscene amounts of pineapple upside-down cake, I was hoping some of your willpower would inspire me. It did. Now I want Ho Ho’s. Thanks, pal.


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