Trash I Think About

11 Sep

I was born with the uncontrollable urge to ask questions and get to the bottom of things.  There’s no documentation of this, but I’m fairly certain I had questions the second my head came out the womb.   Stuff like, “Why?  Was it necessary for you to drag me out here for the sake of shining bright lights in my face and forcing me to run my mouth?  Because I would’ve run my mouth anyway.  It’s not necessary to man-handle me for results.”

So..for the sake of those employees who should be working but instead are slacking off, googling and reading random blogs, here’s a small peek into my jelly-filled head.


*  Why does sunless tanning lotion make you smell like Denny’s?

* Does my bottled water REALLY come from an ice cold stream in the Swiss Alps?  Or is some creepy, unemployed man sitting in the bowels of a rental house filling plastic bottles with tap water and selling them to the Scavengers of Cheap (i.e. Walmart, etc)…laughing maniacally at the drones falling for such an obvious dupe?

* Why do I want to eat Play-Dough twice a year?

* Why do I purposely do things that are allegedly dangerous or health endangering.  Like staring directly into the sun with no protective eye wear.  Or standing in front of the microwave when it’s going full blast.  Eating a meat-loaf sandwich seconds before jumping in the deep end of the pool.  I cross my eyes and crack my knuckles at least twice a day.  I tear ALL the tags off my pillows and mattresses.

* Why do golf balls bounce?

*  Why are the most judgmental people the keeper of the darkest secrets?

*  Are toll roads really necessary?

*  Why are there security cameras in the library?

*  Why did the cassette tape have to die?

*  Newsflash.  The ‘Real World’ is no longer real.

*  What kind of jacked up society sends Martha Stewart to prison for having a money-saving hookup…yet lets our celebrities and rock stars beat the snot out of each other with a warning of “Contain yourself next time!  And I’d better not hear that you’ve been hanging around the ICU room of the girl you smacked senseless or I’ll extend your probation!”

*  Someone needs to smack the creator of Spongebob Squarepants in the face with an over-weight tuna.  Hard.

*  Why do junk yards keep cars that having nothing to offer society except rust and rat nests?

*  Who is responsible for the “Greasy Used Car Salesman” label?

*  Would people notice if I walked around with a piece of dental floss hanging out of my teeth?

*  Is it necessary for little kids to hear helmets while riding their trike?  Really?  Is it?  Because I don’t think there’s ever been a kid that sustained life threatening injuries from a fall off the trike.  Unless the trike fell off a cliff.  In that case, a helmet is necessary.

*  Is there a hot-line that the neighbors will call when they see my kid out in the driveway without her helmet on?  Because if there is…and if anyone of authority shows up at my house to interrogate me due to my obvious ignorance and outright rebellion…I already have my answer for them.  “I am rubber, you are glue..whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to EWE!”

*  It’s a sad day when the library has to remove the DVD’s from their cases due to excessive theft.

*  If people ever find out that I once gave ten bucks to a person who pooped their pants on purpose, sat in a wheelchair outside the library and begged for money to go around the corner to buy some diapers…then my goose is cooked.  I’m over.  Done.  Kapoot.

*  Re-enactments get under my skin.  I refuse to look at them.  How would they know what Thomas Jefferson actually said or did?  How presumptuous to even assume!

*  Matthew McConaughey doesn’t bathe.

*  What’s the Magic Word for grown-ups?  Acquitted?

*  I don’t see why people find it odd that I could smell a rotten spleen ten miles away.

*  I let my kid eat Popsicles and Jello for breakfast.  I hope she grows up to do great things.  Then maybe this lapse in good parenting can be justified.

*  Those American Girl dolls creep me out in a way I don’t really have words for.

*  Why are ugly dresses called ‘Jumpers’?  Where did the Jumper come from?  Who wore it first?

*  If I ever come across that monkey thing from Zaboomafoo, I’ll club it to death.

…enough of all that.   My kid is watching inappropriate YouTube videos.  Gotta scoot.


2 Responses to “Trash I Think About”

  1. Michael Cargill September 11, 2013 at 8:07 am #

    By golly, you must have been a real pest as a child.


  2. gingerfightback September 12, 2013 at 11:59 am #

    Spot on about the judgemental and Matthew McConaughey


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