Retro Housewife: Mother’s Little Helper

2 Sep

I have an odd fascination with the stereotypical 1950’s housewife.  If I had access to a time warp machine, I’d go back there just to see how long I’d last.  I’d give it less than 24 hours.  Those womens were mentally afflicted.  Getting up at least two hours before your husband so he wouldn’t see you in the bathroom slathering Preparation-H under your eyes to reduce unsightly puff.  By the time he sat down to a full breakfast of juice, milk, coffee, toast, bacon, sausage, maybe a pancake, a poached egg…..you’d be fresh as a daisy in your crinoline and pumps, lipstick perfectly applied, the right amount of perfume…not too strong…just enough to assure your husband that you still took pride in your personal hygiene.  The kids would come down, yawning, sweetly rumpled.  The lunches already packed and sitting by the front door, you’d make sure Jane’s hair bow was in place and Dicks socks matched.  You’d wave them off, shut the door and commence to cleaning your house from top to bottom….same dress, same pumps…all without sweating…..and by the time your man comes through the door at 6:00 pm, you’re sliding rack of lamb under his nose while you take his hat and coat, handing him the sports page and an after-dinner cigar.

There’s a reason why divorce and suicide rates were low back then.  “Mother’s Little Helper”.  That’s right.  Valium and Speed.  The Speed was responsible for that insane amount of cleaning that got done in under five hours….and the Valium was to keep you from killing your husband and beating your ungrateful children.

So the question that begs to be answered is this:  What does a perfect housewife look like in 2013?

This?

Or maybe this?

“Perfect” is a stupid word anyway.  And any mother who implys that she is perfectly superior to another mother NEEDS to take a Valium so it won’t hurt so bad when they hear the truth.

Here’s a little Housewife Humor for the divas out there ignoring the dirty dishes piled up in the sink and secretly wishing Spongebob would come take your kid hostage.  You may need to click on the pics to view a larger image:

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2 Responses to “Retro Housewife: Mother’s Little Helper”

  1. Michael Cargill September 2, 2013 at 8:43 am #

    I probably wouldn’t last long either. My muscle face wouldn’t even fit through the door.

    Like

  2. gingerfightback September 3, 2013 at 2:40 am #

    Ran into my ex is a class image.

    Like

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