Preskool High Times

22 Jan

I’m fixing to bequeath some knowledge to ya’ll this Tuesday morning that will make you start eye-balling these “artistic” younguns under a whole new light bulb.  At first I thought it was cute.  Giggling children, clustered together, sharing their artistic dreams and visions over craft paper and piles of markers and colored pencils.  Oh how refreshing.  The sound of a child’s laughter.  Took me all of about five minutes to recognize that “laugh”.

The first time I heard that laugh was outside a Goodwill store on the east side of Columbus, Ohio.  Two homeless guys leaning up against a fence, middle of winter, camo-green spray paint all over their faces…laughing like hyenas in heat.  Which, of course, got ME to laughing.  So there we were.  Two huffers and a chick, laughing until the huffers soiled themselves and the chick walked off in disgust.  This was my first exposure to huffing.  I was a bit long in the tooth to just be learning about this stuff – 22 years old.  But I went to Jesus School, people.  Mkay?  Huffers aren’t tolerated in Jesus School.

From then on…if you wanted to be my friend and hang out with ME?  Then you better not have been a huffin’ fool.  It just don’t make no sense.  Sticking your stupid face down in a paper sack chuck full ‘o demon paint fumes and breathing it all in like a bouquet of daisies.  It goes way beyond ignorant.  So far, in fact, that I can’t find the appropriate wording.

So imagine my disgust and horror when I see my 4 year old daughter squatting underneath a picnic table in the back yard with two Crayola Silly Scented markers stuck up her nose, rocking back and forth in a state of ignorant bliss.  I’m sure I reacted the same way a mother would react if she found her 2 year old shooting up heroine over the kitchen sink.  She didn’t even blink when I snatched those markers out her nose.  ”Witch’s Brew” and “Dragon Drool”.  I knew I should’ve never bought these stupid markers.  I should’ve listened to that small voice within that was saying, “Now, you know your kid is gonna get high with those things!”  But I shook it off and dropped the box into my Target shopping cart.  Because no parent wants to believe their 4 year old’s drug dealer has a name like Crayola.

So.  No more scented NOTHING in our house while the kid is still under the roof.  I had to put my Sharpie markers under lock and key like top shelf liquor.  Looking back to my own childhood, I think I know why I had such a vast collection of Smelly Stickers.  Didn’t have a thing to do with sticker collecting.  It had everything to do with Jesus School.  Essentially, Smelly Stickers were like Christian huffing.  I was a huffer in sheep’s clothing.

The apple never falls too far from the tree.  But at least I had the good sense to keep myself inside…unlike my kid.  All squatted down under a picnic table like a Neanderthal.  So keep your eyes peeled, parents!  Listen out for that maniacal laugh, then look for a pack of Crayola Silly Scents markers.   I don’t know why I’m shocked by any of this.  It’s not like Crayola is trying to be subtle.  They clearly tell you:

With zany names and scents, these markers will not only spark children’s imaginations but also keep them laughing.

  • Available in 8 ct.
  • Includes – Scary Movie, Dragon Drool, Freaky Phoenix, plus 5 other fun color and scent combinations!

I smell a boycott coming on.  Who’s coming with me?!


2 Responses to “Preskool High Times”

  1. Michael Cargill January 22, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

    Top stuff.

    It seems that Cali has taken it upon herself to try and shatter all those illusions you have about the innocence of kids.


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