Harmless Venting

19 Jan

nervous

 

So vent and expound I shall. Thirty times.

1) I can’t stand it when people ask: “Can I ask you a question?” Really?

2) You know those paper roadmaps? I hate it when they’re not folded back up correctly.

3) I understand the need to abbreviate when texting. Truly, I do. But when your excessive abbreviating srts mkng ewe snd lk a toetl ideut…..then you should just make a phone call. Stop insulting my intelligence, mkay?

4) Here’s the thing. If you want to be all “Thug” and walk around with your britches around your knee caps, then please for the love of GAWD make sure your underpants are clean. Please.

5) I love my Ma-in-Law. I got real lucky in that department. But she has this little motivational quote that drives me nuts. “Make hay while the sun is shining!” In other words: “You’d better get your butt to Walmart and back with a quickness so I don’t have to watch this heathen child of yours any longer than I have to. I’ve got Bingo at 8.”  (Okay, I lied about the bingo.  She doesn’t play bingo.)

6) Strangers who come up and grope your pregnant belly without asking. Now, what if I came up to you and groped your groin? Without asking. It’s the same thing. Remember that.

7) I am physically nauseated by a couple who do PFR. Public Foot Rubbing. Like when they get all love-dove and start running their stanky foot up the other’s leg, doing that eyebrow thing. I can’t stomach that.

8) My husband does this thing that may one day get him killed. There are times when his snoring drives me to the sofa or guest room. About the time I’m ready to enter the blissful sleep state of REM, he’ll come stand over top of me like something out of “A Christmas Carol” and start poking me until I sit up and start punching the air. Then with his genius mind, he’ll say: “What are you doing?” Like I said. Justifiable homicide.

9) I’m sick and tired of getting the grocery cart with the gimpy wheel.

10) Did you know that your airplane seat becomes a flotation device should you slam into the ocean at mach speed? I’d like to meet the brilliant mind that thought of that. Shake his hand. Give him a cookie and a juice box.

11) I refuse to establish friendships with people who lick their food before eating it so no one will swipe their grub.

12) People who infer that another person is stupid with cutey patootie jive lingo. Such as:

* All his dogs ain’t on the same leash.

* Intellect that can only be rivaled by garden tools.

* Missing a few buttons on the remote control.

* His Slinky’s kinked.

* His cheese slid of the cracker.

13) I double dog dare anyone to come stand on my porch, pound on my door and start hollering Christmas tunes with festive cheer.

14) I despise persistent and dedicated Jehovah’s Witnesses.

15) It pains me to say that I have relatives who actually believe that Achmad Habib from Kenya has 5 million dollars he wants to give them.

16) Should I be frightened that the nurse techs at my shrink’s office can’t pronounce the name of my meds?

17) I’m becoming more convinced with each passing day that Facebook has full blown, un-medicated schizophrenia with a side of manic depression topped with a dollop of FRIGGIN’ CUH-RAZY!

18) I think it’s whack that my ghetto library had to take all the DVD’s out of their cases and stash them behind the front desk due to “Excessive Theft”.

19) I don’t trust those Mall vendors who sit in the middle of the Mall in their little huts, hawking their wares. Don’t trust them at all.

20) If I were a senior citizen, I’d be offended that they play Medicare and Hoveround commercials ten times louder than the normal ones.

21) More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

22) Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I DO know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

23) I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

24) LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

25) I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

26) Whenever I’m Facebook- stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

27) I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

28) I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

29) I think it’d be totally cool if McDonald’s started selling hot dogs. McDoggies.

30) I’d like to face-smack the idiot who put an “s” in the word “lisp”. I mean, smack him HARD.

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6 Responses to “Harmless Venting”

  1. Michael Cargill January 19, 2013 at 10:41 am #

    Feeling better now?

    Like

  2. ldsrr91 January 19, 2013 at 10:48 am #

    Nice very nice, read every word of it, all I can say is … You are my kind of people!

    The phone thing, just assign them the name DNA and when it comes up when they call you will know … Do Not Answer.

    Texting is for dummies.

    LDS

    Like

  3. ldsrr91 January 19, 2013 at 10:49 am #

    Reblogged this on Creative Endeavors, The Home of BoxcarOkie.com and commented:
    Hard to find anything to add to this list. Pretty cool. One of those, “I wish I had written that kind of things.”

    OOO

    Like

  4. hillbillyzen13 January 19, 2013 at 11:27 am #

    So I’m just reading your post, chuckling along as usual, when I got to “McDoggies”. Did you know that when you inhale coffee through your nose to keep from spitting it all over the keyboard that the caffeine hits a lot quicker? You didn’t? Well it does and now you know and (the rest of this reply has been deleted due to excessive length and total lack of punctuation)

    Like

  5. therealgirlfriday January 19, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

    No 8. Totally justified.

    Like

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