Let Me Explain

It’s been painfully obvious that I’ve been M.I.A. from this blog for the past several months.  Haven’t been too active in my shop either.  There’s really no other way to say it other than, “The Sadness.  It overtook me.”

I capitalized ‘Sadness’ because it’s specific.  Not at all general and generic in form  It’s like its own entity with a pulse and an uncanny penchant for self-sabotage.    I hadn’t had a run-in with Sad in awhile, so I guess it figured 2012 was the perfect time to get all up in my face with “Meh”.  Turns out Sad brought a little friend with him this time.  Apathy.  I think they know each other in the Biblical sense.  Maybe it was a Mayan ancestor who put the hoo-doo-voodoo on me from another dimension.  Or maybe it was time for my meds to get a work-out.  It’s hard to explain the logistics and mechanics of Sad and Apathy.  Not Webster’s definition.  Webster couldn’t get his mind around the scope of these two words or their devastating influence.  Those in my “tribe” know exactly what I’m talking about though.

But then I had Divine fingers snap in my face like an intimidating shrink snapping and telling me that I would come back to earth in 3….2….1.  And just about the time I hit solid ground, my Dad fell off a really high roof and landed on asphalt.  I have never seen a human body so broken.  That first night in the ICU, I sat in a chair and watched his blood pressure continue to drop as he drifted in and out of consciousness.  I watched nurses rushing in and out, giving him bags and bags of blood.  He kept begging for a drink of water but all we could do was wet a tiny sponge and swish it around in his mouth.

Truth be told, I didn’t think he’d make it through that night. I sat alone with him…not really knowing what to do or say.  Feeling completely helpless, incompetent and inadequate.  So I silently began apologizing.  Sorry for being sassy.  Sorry for being a failure across the board.  Sorry for stealing candy and not taking my vitamins.  Sorry for the disappointment.Sorry for my cynicism and lack of  faith.

My Dad is a preacher and the most consistently spiritual person I know.  I believe it was his faith and stubbornness that helped him struggle through those two months in the hospital.  And like a Lifetime holiday television special, he was home for Christmas and we were all stoked and drank eggnog and sparkling grape juice in his honor.  He still can’t walk but his docs say they’ll start working with him over the course of the next couple of months to start putting weight back onto his legs.

So back to Sad ‘n Apathy. I guess seeing the fragility of the human mind and body made my own inner demons seem trite and uncalled for.  I’m not completely stupid.  I know S & A will still pay me a house call from time to time.  But I figure if I show them compassion they might not stay as long.  Anyway…I didn’t make any resolutions this year.  But I know it’s time for me to take some creative risks this year.  Or maybe it’s time to let my true nature come out and play.  Because I’m bound and determined to embrace my weirdness and learn to accept and love myself “as is”.

But I’m not gonna lie. After Weasel’s morning inspirational speech, I’m about five minutes away from Debbie Boone’s Lifestyle Lift.

“Mama, you look like a werewolf.  Your make-up went and slid down your face there.”