Burgled Meat

8 Aug

Eugene and Jomokenyette were up to their shenanigans a few days  ago when one of them had the brilliant idea to burgle some meat. ( I suspect happy grass was involved.)    That’s one conversation I would’ve loved to hear.

Eugene:  Yo.

Jomokenyette:  Wassup.

Eugene:  Yo.

Jomokenyette:  Huh.

Eugene:  My belly be all kinds of growlin’.

Jomokenyette:  Mane, I be broker than a whippin’ stick on Tuesday.  My baby’s mama is wrecking me, yo.

*crickets*…..followed by Eugene’s brilliant master plan.

Eugene:  Riverfront got some chicken.

Jomokenyette:  Cool.  We ride.

And ride they did.  All up into Riverfront BBQ with their thieving selves.  Busted the lock off the cooler and stole some cases of chicken.  Now.  Did they plan to eat the chicken themselves?  If happy grass was involved, I suspect the answer to that question would be a big fat YES.  Or did they plan to do some trunk poppin’ and sell the stuff out at Kitty’s Flea Market?

No matter.  The local news showed the surveillance footage on the evening news and in no time at all someone called in with, “There Eugene go!”.  He was later apprehended skulking around the Royal Inn.  Authorities are asking for assistance in locating Jomokenyette.

Another barbecue restaurant was the target of burglars early Tuesday morning. Around 4:30, someone broke in the front door of Ronnie’s Rib and Chicken Shack on Clark Avenue and also stole food.

Police don’t believe the cases are connected.

If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.



8 Responses to “Burgled Meat”

  1. therealgirlfriday August 8, 2012 at 9:57 am #

    I have so many questions… Are these common names in the south? Is it really a shack or is this just a coloquialism that Southern people enjoy? How small is your town, that this sort of crime actually makes the evening news?

    In the NW we just put nameless people in the Police blotter and make everyone guess who did it. We are far too frightened of attorneys willing to sue over exposing someone’s name before they are proven to be guilty. Plus – we are so overtly polite, we would rather cut off our own hand than embarrass someone for getting a five-finger discount on a piece of chicken. Also, we have no BBQ restaurants or “shacks” here. LOTS of Organic “Farm To Table” restaurants, Sushi and Thai. Do not ask for an egg roll or even fried rice. You will get nothing but a hairy eyeball.


    • April Trice August 8, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

      Oh hunny. You’d shrivel up, suck your thumb and die if you lived down here. YES, those are real names! That’s why I posted the actual news link for proof. You would be shocked about what makes news in this one horse town. Shocked, I tell you. SHOCKED! Maybe I should start posting this wack news on my blog. Hm.


  2. Michael Cargill August 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

    That’s just odd. Of all the things to steal, you may as well aim for something higher – either way, the punishment is roughly the same.

    During the riots we had last year, you had people being caught on CCTV, breaking into places like Poundland, and stealing armfuls of crisps.


    • April Trice August 8, 2012 at 6:41 pm #

      I wish I could’ve heard you speak that sentence with your pompous little English self. 😉


    • therealgirlfriday August 8, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

      Poundland? Is that the British equivalent to an American Dollar Store?


      • April Trice August 13, 2012 at 8:03 am #

        That’s what I was wondering. Michael is mysterious.


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