Tess Speaks

2 Feb

Yes.  I Did it.

Remember my revenge fantasy about peeing on the Family’s suede sofa?  Well, I did it.  Not only did I do it…I saturated the thing over the course of two days.  Now let me just say that Owner Woman has a sense of smell that borders on circus-freaky.  If a mouse takes a dump in France, she smells it and starts hollering about how she can’t take the stink and the anguish.  So imagine, if you will, the reaction when she caught wind of that ammonia soaked suede.

If her reaction had been video-taped, I’d be starring  in one of those pitiful abused animal infomercials with that rapidly-aging sister of Roseanne’s.  For a fraction of a second, I basked in the glow of her seething.  Then I started to feel the pain.  You know how they say that it don’t hurt when you hold a cat by the scruff of the neck?  That’s a load of donkey dung right there.  Especially if the Owner Woman just got her ghetto nails did.  I avoided eye-contact while she read me the riot act on her way to the back door.

“What is WRONG with you, you stupid filthy animal!  Why do you pee?!  What’s WRONG with you?  I’ve had it, Tess. I’ve had it.  You better find that thug son of yours and HOPE to god in the sky he can teach you some street slang so you don’t get whipped and thrown in a drainage ditch somewhere.”

Then I got tossed.  Actually “tossed” is too kind.  It was more like being drop-kicked by a steroid-filled high school football player who was on probation for failing Bible class.  I flew, people.

So anyway.  I snuck back inside today when Shorty left the door open and checked my email, peed in the guest room and whipped out this blog post here.  I’d better get myself back outside and down the street.  While indoors, I noticed a bottle of Midol on the counter…so now ain’t the time to be messing around with Owner Woman.

I’m just tired.  So darn tired.  But let me just say this……

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6 Responses to “Tess Speaks”

  1. Michael Cargill February 2, 2012 at 8:23 am #

    Welcome back Tricey! I thought you had perished mysteriously somehow. Where you been?

    Maybe your cat doesn’t like the brand of kitty litter you use.

    Like

    • April Trice February 2, 2012 at 8:52 am #

      Truth be told, Tess ‘vanished’ a couple of months ago. I’m keeping her memory alive. As for my whereabouts….I’ve been cozy under my rock!

      Like

      • Michael Cargill February 2, 2012 at 1:37 pm #

        Oh right, it was Lucy you got around Christmas. Any idea what happened to Tess?

        And don’t stay under that rock too long we all miss you!

        Like

      • April Trice February 2, 2012 at 4:49 pm #

        I have a sneaking suspicion that my granola eating neighbor called animal control and had Tess picked up. Apparently she’s done it to several outdoor pets in the neighborhood.

        Like

  2. therealgirlfriday February 2, 2012 at 9:46 am #

    Well, Tess always was one of those cats who couldn’t stay tied down to one family. She had a wanderer’s Soul and always kept a packed bag near the back door.

    How’s Lucy? Has she turned into Lucifur yet?

    Like

    • April Trice February 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

      Lucy is too cool for skool. Turns out she loves Taco Bell and peanut butter samiches on wheat bread.

      Like

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