Lies I Tell My Kid

*  Go ahead.  Keep eating your toenails.  Just don’t come crying to me when you’re riddled with the scurvy and have worms.

*  Then don’t brush your teeth.  I don’t care.  Just don’t come crying to me when a no-dental-degree-having dentist has to pull all your teeth with a pair of rusty pliers.

*  If a policeman sees you hanging your head out of that car window, he’s gonna put ME in jail.  You want me to go to jail?  Huh?  Because it’s not going to be a party for you either.  They’ll put you in an over-crowded foster home with no change of underwear.

*  What would happen if I slammed on these brakes and you didn’t have that seat belt on?  I’ll tell you what’ll happen.  You’ll go flying out of the window and probably lose the skin on your face when you go skidding across the asphalt.

*  If you don’t back away from that TV, your retnas are going to become mushy and you’ll have to wear army boot camp glasses for the rest of your life.  No man will marry a girl who wears those kind of glasses.

*  If you forget your coat at school again, I’m going to park the car and come up in there and have a talk with your class about how irresponsible and inconsiderate you are.  (I wouldn’t really do this.  Or would I?)

*  I’m listening.

*  You’re fine!  Your knee-caps can be sewn back on!

*  If you splash water out of that bathtub one more time, I’ll never bathe you again.

*  6 year olds who can’t wipe their own butt don’t graduate from high school.

*  It’s not red cabbage.  It’s purple spaghetti.

*  If you can’t do Kindergarten math then you can go raise yourself.

*  Lookit!  Rudolph took a dump on our front lawn!  (Tootsie rolls, people.)

*  Get away from my ironing board!  C’mere.  I’m about to show you what happens to kids who mess around with irons.  (I then show her pictures of burn victims on the internet.)

*  Sure.  Yeah.  Let’s go to Chuck E. Cheese then.  Now Mommy and Daddy won’t be able to pay for your school lunches and buy you new socks.