Lies I Tell My Kid

13 Jan

*  Go ahead.  Keep eating your toenails.  Just don’t come crying to me when you’re riddled with the scurvy and have worms.

*  Then don’t brush your teeth.  I don’t care.  Just don’t come crying to me when a no-dental-degree-having dentist has to pull all your teeth with a pair of rusty pliers.

*  If a policeman sees you hanging your head out of that car window, he’s gonna put ME in jail.  You want me to go to jail?  Huh?  Because it’s not going to be a party for you either.  They’ll put you in an over-crowded foster home with no change of underwear.

*  What would happen if I slammed on these brakes and you didn’t have that seat belt on?  I’ll tell you what’ll happen.  You’ll go flying out of the window and probably lose the skin on your face when you go skidding across the asphalt.

*  If you don’t back away from that TV, your retnas are going to become mushy and you’ll have to wear army boot camp glasses for the rest of your life.  No man will marry a girl who wears those kind of glasses.

*  If you forget your coat at school again, I’m going to park the car and come up in there and have a talk with your class about how irresponsible and inconsiderate you are.  (I wouldn’t really do this.  Or would I?)

*  I’m listening.

*  You’re fine!  Your knee-caps can be sewn back on!

*  If you splash water out of that bathtub one more time, I’ll never bathe you again.

*  6 year olds who can’t wipe their own butt don’t graduate from high school.

*  It’s not red cabbage.  It’s purple spaghetti.

*  If you can’t do Kindergarten math then you can go raise yourself.

*  Lookit!  Rudolph took a dump on our front lawn!  (Tootsie rolls, people.)

*  Get away from my ironing board!  C’mere.  I’m about to show you what happens to kids who mess around with irons.  (I then show her pictures of burn victims on the internet.)

*  Sure.  Yeah.  Let’s go to Chuck E. Cheese then.  Now Mommy and Daddy won’t be able to pay for your school lunches and buy you new socks.


11 Responses to “Lies I Tell My Kid”

  1. marisakquijano January 13, 2012 at 9:24 am #

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like the Chuck E Cheese One!!! Im listening! hahahaha Omg you crack me up!!!


  2. Rob Rubin January 13, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    Ha! I have to pull my kid away from the TV ad several times a day. I tell him he’s gonna have to get a shot if he doesn’t move. Works like a charm.


  3. Michael Cargill January 13, 2012 at 9:43 am #

    Naughty April. No wonder the cat keeps trumping whenever you come in the room.


  4. therealgirlfriday January 13, 2012 at 9:49 am #

    My Mother kept a fly swatter in the front seat so she could reach us at any point inside our massive 1970’s car and start swinging away at our bare legs to settle down! ha ha ha

    Have you ever heard Howard Stern talk about his parents and the horror stories his Mother would tell him about his family and the Depression? HIlarious.


    • April Trice January 13, 2012 at 9:55 am #

      LMAO! I have heard Stern’s whole Great Depression bit. I forgot about the flyswatter. Might have to pick me up one at the Dollar Tree.


  5. squirrel circus January 13, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

    I always said that we DON’T go to Chuck E. Cheese because we will all “catch a horribly contagious and fatal disease in the ball pit”.


    • April Trice January 13, 2012 at 5:29 pm #

      Probably why they don’t have ball pits anymore. Bad things went down in there, man. Very bad things.


  6. Anna January 15, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

    I would have kids just so I could tell them these lies.


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