Stuff I Think About

21 Dec

There are times (frequently) when Husband will look over at me and say, “Whatcha thinking, hun?”  He may have to ask this question three or four times before I’ll snap out of my fun house of thoughts.  “Eh, nothing.”  That’s my usual reply.  To which HE replies, “Right.  Whatever.”

Truly, what I think about is of no consequence.  My thoughts and musings will never be referred to by political figures and I highly doubt my opinion will be sought when it comes time to solve our screwy planet’s economic dilemma.

I was born with the uncontrollable urge to ask questions and get to the bottom of things.  There’s no documentation of this, but I’m fairly certain I had questions the second my head came out the womb.   Stuff like, “Why?  Was it necessary for you to drag me out here for the sake of shining bright lights in my face and forcing me to run my mouth?  Because I would’ve run my mouth anyway.  It’s not necessary to man-handle me for results.”  All of this was no doubt interpreted as “WAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!”

So..for the sake of those employees who should be working but instead are slacking off, googling and reading random blogs, here’s a small peek into my jelly-filled, nothing-to-write-home-about, eccentric mind.

*  Why does sunless tanning lotion make you smell like Denny’s?

* Does my bottled water REALLY come from an ice cold stream in the Swiss Alps?  Or is some creepy, unemployed man sitting in the bowels of a rental house filling plastic bottles with tap water and selling them to the Scavengers of Cheap (i.e. Walmart, etc)…laughing maniacally at the drones falling for such an obvious dupe?

* Why do I want to eat Play-Dough twice a year?

* Why do I purposely do things that are allegedly dangerous or health endangering.  Like staring directly into the sun with no protective eye wear.  Or standing in front of the microwave when it’s going full blast.  Eating a meat-loaf sandwich seconds before jumping in the deep end of the pool.  I cross my eyes and crack my knuckles at least twice a day.  I tear ALL the tags off my pillows and mattresses.

* Why do golf balls bounce?

*  Why are the most judgmental people the keeper of the darkest secrets?

*  Are toll roads really necessary?

*  Why are there security cameras in the library?

*  Why did the cassette tape have to die?

*  Newsflash.  The ‘Real World’ is no longer real.

*  What kind of jacked up society sends Martha Stewart to prison for having a money-saving hookup…yet lets our celebrities and rock stars beat the snot out of each other with a warning of “Contain yourself next time!  And I’d better not hear that you’ve been hanging around the ICU room of the girl you smacked senseless or I’ll extend your probation!”

*  Someone needs to smack the creator of Spongebob Squarepants in the face with an over-weight tuna.  Hard.

*  Why do junk yards keep cars that having nothing to offer society except rust and rat nests?

*  Who is responsible for the “Greasy Used Car Salesman” label?

*  Would people notice if I walked around with a piece of dental floss hanging out of my teeth?

*  Is it necessary for little kids to hear helmets while riding their trike?  Really?  Is it?  Because I don’t think there’s ever been a kid that sustained life threatening injuries from a fall off the trike.  Unless the trike fell off a cliff.  In that case, a helmet is necessary.

*  Is there a hot-line that the neighbors will call when they see my kid out in the driveway without her helmet on?  Because if there is…and if anyone of authority shows up at my house to interrogate me due to my obvious ignorance and outright rebellion…I already have my answer for them.  “I am rubber, you are glue..whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to EWE!”

*  It’s a sad day when the library has to remove the DVD’s from their cases due to excessive theft.

*  If people ever find out that I once gave ten bucks to a person who pooped their pants on purpose, sat in a wheelchair outside the library and begged for money to go around the corner to buy some diapers…then my goose is cooked.  I’m over.  Done.  Kapoot.

*  Re-enactments get under my skin.  I refuse to look at them.  How would they know what Thomas Jefferson actually said or did?  How presumptuous to even assume!

*  Matthew McConaughey doesn’t bathe.

*  What’s the Magic Word for grown-ups?  Acquitted?

*  I don’t see why people find it odd that I could smell a rotten spleen ten miles away.

*  I let my kid eat Popsicles and Jello for breakfast.  I hope she grows up to do great things.  Then maybe this lapse in good parenting can be justified.

*  Those American Girl dolls creep me out in a way I don’t really have words for.

*  Why are ugly dresses called ‘Jumpers’?  Where did the Jumper come from?  Who wore it first?

*  If I ever come across that monkey thing from Zaboomafoo, I’ll club it to death.

…enough of all that.   My kid is watching inappropriate YouTube videos.  Gotta scoot.

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6 Responses to “Stuff I Think About”

  1. therealgirlfriday December 21, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    The REAL reason Martha Stewart went to prison is because she found a way to make maountains of money doing “Women’s Work” and this really pissed off a lot of people. They were out to get her from day one. I ❤ Martha!

    Like

    • April Trice December 21, 2011 at 10:07 am #

      Martha totally rocks. But that doesn’t keep me from stealing her stuff.

      Like

  2. Michael Cargill December 21, 2011 at 10:02 am #

    I was quite worried about what I was going to read here but it turned out to be quite safe.

    Nowt wrong with Spongebob though. Other than the fact it is utterly bananas of course.

    Does your daughter like it?

    Like

    • April Trice December 21, 2011 at 10:06 am #

      Of course she digs the Sponge! It’s like crack!

      Like

  3. musingsoftheamusingmuse December 21, 2011 at 10:31 am #

    I’m amazed at how similar my random ponderings are to yours, and yet, hearing them “voiced” in your blog has brought me tears of laughter (and relief). I’m not the only one!!

    Like

  4. Aubs Tea December 21, 2011 at 11:15 am #

    I will pass you the club for that monkey from Zaboomafoo. Let’s go after the creators, too, just in case they have another devious plot up their sleeves.

    Like

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