Mommy’s Little Helper

20 Dec

I have an odd fascination with the stereotypical 1950’s housewife.  If I had access to a time warp machine, I’d go back there just to see how long I’d last.  I’d give it less than 24 hours.  Those women were mentally afflicted.  Getting up at least two hours before your husband so he wouldn’t see you in the bathroom slathering Preparation-H under your eyes to reduce unsightly puff.  By the time he sat down to a full breakfast of juice, milk, coffee, toast, bacon, sausage, maybe a pancake, a poached egg…’d be fresh as a daisy in your crinoline and pumps, lipstick perfectly applied, the right amount of perfume…not too strong…just enough to assure your husband that you still took pride in your personal hygiene.

The kids would come down, yawning, sweetly rumpled.  The lunches already packed and sitting by the front door.  You’d make sure Jane’s hair bow was in place and Dicks socks matched.  You’d wave them off, shut the door and commence to cleaning your house from top to bottom….same dress, same pumps…all without sweating.  By the time your man comes through the door at 6:00 pm, you’re sliding rack of lamb under his nose while taking his hat and coat, handing him the sports page and an after-dinner cigar.

There’s a reason why divorce and suicide rates were low back then.  “Mother’s Little Helper”.  That’s right.  Valium and Speed.  The Speed was responsible for that insane amount of cleaning that got done in under five hours….and the Valium was to keep you from killing your husband and beating your ungrateful children.

So the question that begs to be answered is this:  What does a perfect housewife look like in 2011?


Or maybe this?

“Perfect” is a stupid word anyway.  And any mother who implys that she is perfectly superior to another mother NEEDS to take a Valium so it won’t hurt so bad when they hear the truth.

Here’s a little Housewife Humor for the divas out there ignoring the dirty dishes piled up in the sink and secretly wishing Spongebob would come take your kid hostage:

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9 Responses to “Mommy’s Little Helper”

  1. Darlene Steelman December 20, 2011 at 9:46 am #

    lol!!! Love this…. Wonderful, wonderful post.


  2. therealgirlfriday December 20, 2011 at 9:57 am #

    I could watch that slide show all day. I totally get your fascination with the 50’s housewife. Sometimes I think perhaps things were simpler then and that’s what made their lives possible. But then I remember that the only cleaning supply they had was Comet (if they were lucky). My Mother-in-law told me that once she figured out that the easiest way to rinse a cloth diaper was to hold in the toilet and flush – she almost cried with relief.


  3. Michael Cargill December 20, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

    You should watch Mad Men, you would love it.


  4. angrymiddleagewoman December 20, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

    I would still sign up for those valium these days though . . .


  5. riatarded December 21, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

    this was hilarious! haha and I can’t imagine how women did that in the 50s! housework is tough!


  6. spinachandmangos December 21, 2011 at 10:53 pm #

    I don’t comment often, but I just had to comment on this post. I love it. So funny and truthful. Great post!


    • April Trice December 21, 2011 at 11:10 pm #

      How lovely the sound of your voice is! You should comment more often. 😉


  7. almachavezgonzales December 22, 2011 at 5:10 am #

    great post!


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