Fortune Cookie: The Guilt Factor

9 Dec

My friends and I recently had a conversation about fortune cookies and their impact on our fragile emotions.  Some of us took the fortunes seriously.  Others laughed them off as hogwash and tomfoolery.  A few sank into a puddle of depression because their last four cookies were fortune-less.  It was then suggested that I should look into becoming a fortune writer for a fortune cookie company to supplement my income…apparently because I have the uncanny ability to build you up one minute, then tear you down the next.

Here’s my top 25.  It’s still a work in progress.

1) General Failure will read your hard disk soon.

2)  You will die alone and poorly dressed.

3)  Now is the time to make circles with mints.  Make haste!

4)  The end is near…and it’s all YOUR fault.

5)  Help!  I’m being held hostage in a Chinese bakery!

6)  Never tease an armed midget with a high five.

7)  The rubber bands are headed in your direction.

8.  People Google you and laugh.

9)  I stole your husband on Craig’s List.

10)  Hope you enjoyed the meow meow chicken.

11)  The monkeys see you.  They see everything.

12)  All of your hard work will never pay off.

13)  You are boring to talk to.

14)  You have the face of a near sighted rodeo clown.

15)  You will attend a party where strange customs prevail.

16)  Don’t be a cold fish.

17)  Yes.  Everyone is laughing AT you.

18)  The Chinese sushi food you just ate actually came off the back of a truck from Jersey.

19)  You will eat many oysters but never get the pearl.

20)  Don’t fry bacon naked.

21)  Your colon will self destruct in 5..4..3..

22)  Forgive your enemies…but remember their name, address, phone number and drug use history.

23)  Going to church, teaching Sunday school and wearing skirts ‘n pantyhose doesn’t make you a christian.

24)  Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

25)  Stupid looks fabulous on you


6 Responses to “Fortune Cookie: The Guilt Factor”

  1. marisakquijano December 9, 2011 at 8:20 am #

    Man, you crack me up!! this is so funny! keep them coming! haha


  2. ldsrr91 December 9, 2011 at 8:24 am #

    I often wonder just how many people actually play “the lucky numbers” printed on fortune cookies when they buy their lottery tickets. We were in San Francisco a couple of years ago, doing the tourist thing on Fisherman’s Wharf, and I bought a huge bag of fortune cookies. EACH ONE HAD A BAD MESSAGE INSIDE as it was a gag gift.

    What a hoot.



  3. Michael Cargill December 9, 2011 at 8:42 am #

    Number 2 was brilliant. Number 19 was clever.


  4. J.C.V. December 9, 2011 at 9:21 am #

    I will take #25. Stupid has always done me well. LOL


  5. therealgirlfriday December 9, 2011 at 10:07 am #

    #2 reminds me of the Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love. In one chapter she and her friends make a pact to insure none of them will die with bad hair or clothing – after attending a funeral where the deceeased had a banana-comb in her hair.


    • April Trice December 9, 2011 at 10:12 am #

      HA! I used to rock a banana comb back in the 80’s. I think I might still have one laying around somewhere. Maybe I’ll make my kid wear it.


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