How To Get a Pillow When Flying Coach

9 Dec

Ahh.  Remember when flying was like this?  Yeah, me either.  But it looks pretty, eh?  I’m fairly certain I know why that new TV series ‘Pan Am’ didn’t make it off the starting blocks.  Who cares how flying and scandal used to be back in the day?  What they should’ve done was create a series about people being kicked off flights and stabbed by modern day flight attendants.   I think it’s safe to say we’d all watch that stuff just for the guilty pleasure of it.

I’ve had my share of nightmare flights, but today I choose to focus on the positive and share with you a story that did 2 things:

1)  I was able to obtain a fluffy pillow, new blanket, first-class snacks and beverages along with personal attention from the coach flying attendant.

2)  I was able to entertain the entire coach section and make the flight more tolerable by grossly exposing the ignorance of our flight attendant.

It went down like this, you see.  It was a night flight and the plane was packed from the rooter to the tooter.  We were informed of this numerous times before we even backed out of the gate.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have a booked solid flight tonight and will need your cooperation making this flight a successful one.  If we crash, the flimsy mask and seat cushion will be useless and chances are good that you won’t feel a thing.  We ask you to sit back and enjoy your flight.  Thanks for flying A** Tr**.  Oh yeah.  On behalf of the pilot, he says to tell you it’s going to be wicked turbulent, so keep yourself buckled in.  Not that it will help if we crash.  Thank you.”

I like to image they say this sort of thing out loud.  Because you KNOW they’re thinking it, along with 95% of the passengers.

Anyway.  We’d been in the air about 30 minutes when the cart ‘o fun came rolling down the aisle.  The pusher looked like she’d been rode hard and put away wet.  Like a horse.  And cat sucked.  Like a cat.  She looked like all of that at once.  She informed us that we had the choice of two snacks:  Teething biscuit or a pack of 4 salted peanuts WITH the skin.  We were also informed that due to the incompetence of the ground cleaning and stocking crew, we would only be offered bottled (warm) water to quench our thirst after our salty snack.  A murmur of complaints and insults began humming throughout coach.

I smirked and leaned back, cramming my iPod buds deep into my ears.  It didn’t take long for me to realize the seat I was sitting in was beyond raggedy and if I was going to get any rest, I was going to need pillows and blankets.  I’d already heard Steward Lady deny several people access to these comforts.  But I’d been watching her like a hawk.  And like a hawk, I smelled ignorance.

You know that scene in the Grinch movie when he starts rubbing his hands together and slowly smiling that creepy smile?  I was doing that.  I turned to my seat buddy and winked.  His eyebrows raised like, “Oh yeah?  You want some of this?”  I assured him I did NOT.  I just wanted him to work with me.  It was obvious that my half of Coach was in on what I was about to do.

I coughed and sat my seat in its upright position.  When Steward Lady came up the aisle, I reached out and tugged on her skirt.  She whipped around and it was clear she was planning on whack-slapping me until she looked into my eyes and heard:

“Ikew me. Id dare inny wah I kin det a peelow an byankit?”

The whole time I was speaking, my hands were flipping around my face with what appeared to be sign language.  Only it wasn’t.  It was faux hand magic.  Sympathy, comfort and pity washed over the woman’s face as she bent down to look at me closer.  And in the loudest voice I’ve ever heard, she screamed:

“Oh hunny.  Of course!  Of course!”

And she ran off to fetch me my comforts.  Upon returning she had snacks and….what have we here?  A Coca-Cola.  Cold, even.  She patted my shoulder and once again loudly informed me she was there to take care of my every whim and need.

I gratefully smiled and did the REAL sign for ‘Thank You’.  Because I’d remembered it from my middle school Christmas program.

Then…right in her face…I put my iPod buds back in my ears and turned the music up.  Yeah.  It parted her hair on the way over.

Like I said….ignorance.


5 Responses to “How To Get a Pillow When Flying Coach”

  1. musingsoftheamusingmuse December 9, 2011 at 9:15 am #

    This is perfect! Subterfuge for my next flight! HUZZAH!!!


  2. J.C.V. December 9, 2011 at 9:19 am #

    I have allergies, lots of them. Many days I can’t even talk, it’s is nice how people treat me when I can’t talk as opposed to when I can they just ignore me. LOL


  3. Michael Cargill December 9, 2011 at 2:42 pm #

    Tut tut, naughty.


  4. barblab December 9, 2011 at 2:54 pm #

    Holy crap on a crap cracker – that was funny. I can’t wait to use the ‘rode hard and put away wet’ line.


  5. squirrel circus December 10, 2011 at 8:56 am #

    Way to score one for the coach flyer. Well done!


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