The Monday Vent

5 Dec

I shall now vent and expound.  30 times.

1)   I can’t stand it when people ask: “Can I ask you a question?”  Really?

2)  You know those paper roadmaps?  I hate it when they’re not folded back up correctly.

3)  I understand the need to abbreviate when texting.  Truly, I do.  But when your excessive abbreviating srts mkng ewe snd lk a toetl ideut…..then you should just make a phone call.  Stop insulting my intelligence, mkay?

4)  Here’s the thing.  If you want to be all “Thug” and walk around with your britches around your knee caps, then please for the love of GAWD make sure your underpants are clean.  Please.

5)  I love my Ma-in-Law.  I got real lucky in that department.  But she has this little motivational quote that drives me nuts.  “Make hay while the sun is shining!”  In other words: “You’d better get your butt to Walmart and back with a quickness so I don’t have to watch this heathen child of yours any longer than I have to.  I’ve got Bingo at 8.”

6)  Strangers who come up and grope your pregnant belly without asking.  Now, what if I came up to you and groped your groin?  Without asking.  It’s the same thing.  Remember that.

7)  I am physically nauseated by a couple who do PFR.  Public Foot Rubbing.  Like when they get all love-dove and start running their stanky foot up the other’s leg, doing that eyebrow thing.  I can’t stomach that.

8.  My husband does this thing that may one day get him killed.  There are times when his snoring drives me to the sofa or guest room.  About the time I’m ready to enter the blissful sleep state of REM, he’ll come stand over top of me like something out of “A Christmas Carol” and start poking me until I sit up and start punching the air.  Then with his genius mind, he’ll say:  “What are you doing?”  Like I said.  Justifiable homicide.

9)  I’m sick and tired of getting the grocery cart with the gimpy wheel.

10)  Did you know that your airplane seat becomes a flotation device should you slam into the ocean at mach speed?  I’d like to meet the brilliant mind that thought of that.  Shake his hand.  Give him a cookie and a juice box.

11)  I refuse to establish friendships with people who lick their food before eating it so no one will swipe their grub.

12)  People who infer that another person is stupid with cutey patootie jive lingo.  Such as:

*  All his dogs ain’t on the same leash.

*  Intellect that can only be rivaled by garden tools.

*  Missing a few buttons on the remote control.

*  His Slinky’s kinked.

*  His cheese slid off the cracker.

13)  I double dog dare anyone to come stand on my porch, pound on my door and start hollering Christmas tunes with festive cheer.

14)  I despise persistent and dedicated Jehovah’s Witnesses.

15)  It pains me to say that I have relatives who actually believe that Achmad Habib from Kenya has 5 million dollars he wants to give them.

16)  Should I be frightened that the nurse techs at my shrink’s office can’t pronounce the name of my meds?

17)  I’m becoming more convinced with each passing day that Facebook has full blown, un-medicated schizophrenia with a side of manic depression topped with a dollop of FRIGGIN’ CUH-RAZY!

18)  I think it’s whack that my ghetto library had to take all the DVD’s out of their cases and stash them behind the front desk due to “Excessive Theft”.

19)  I don’t trust those Mall vendors who sit in the middle of the Mall in their little huts, hawking their wares.  Don’t trust them at all.

20)  If I were a senior citizen, I’d be offended that they play Medicare and Hoveround commercials ten times louder than the normal ones.

21)  More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

22)  Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I DO know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

23)  I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

24)  LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

25)  I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

26)  Whenever I’m Facebook- stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

27)  I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

28)  I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

29)  I think it’d be totally cool if McDonald’s started selling hot dogs.  McDoggies.

30)  I’d like to face-smack the idiot who put an “s” in the word “lisp”.  I mean, smack him HARD.


7 Responses to “The Monday Vent”

  1. angrymiddleagewoman December 5, 2011 at 8:19 am #

    I love every single one of these – except for #23. That nearly caused a divorce over 7 broken eggs. It even inspired a post.

    But now I absolutely HAVE to go around saying, “His slinky’s kinked.” I have a number of friends who will be convinced this means something dirty.

    GREAT post.


  2. Michael Cargill December 5, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    Top list there April!

    24 – This one annoys me immensely, people seem to use it instead of a fullstop or a comma. I remember someone telling me that it took them ages to realise what ‘LOL’ actually meant, he thought it meant something like ‘I agree’. For months he was being kicked out of online chatrooms without knowing why.


  3. bagzton December 5, 2011 at 10:40 am #

    Reblogged this on Bagzton.


  4. Darlene Steelman December 5, 2011 at 10:57 am #

    McDoggies! I’ll be anxiously awaiting McDoggies. 🙂 I am totally with you on LOL. Nice to know I am not the only person who runs out of things to say and in my “I can’t leave them hanging there! I have to respond!” puts the ol’ LOL.

    Sometimes, it’s not even that funny….

    Great post!


  5. musingsoftheamusingmuse December 5, 2011 at 11:03 am #

    omg I lol’d 2 Mself readN dis hol thng. 😛 I’m stealing #17 4my FB status.


  6. Anonymous December 5, 2011 at 11:42 am #

    Truly, I got interested with your no. 14, why don’t give your short precious time with them (JW), might as well you will get relax with the messages they will share to you.. just my thought. 🙂


  7. susserative December 5, 2011 at 4:08 pm #

    Number 8 – That’s the one that made the drink I was drinking come out my nostrils.


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