Ten Signs of Feline Depression

2 Dec

1)  Your cat lays listlessly between the washer and dryer, not giving a crap whether his food bowl is half empty, half full, knocked over, kicked down the hall or raided by aggressive, famished raccoons and the occasional possum.  It’s apathy.  They just don’t care.

2)  Your cat lays in the hallway, rolling around on her back, caterwalling about how pregnancy screwed up her entire life  and that the myth of “No Mood Change After Being Fixed” is a crock.  This is a sure sign that your feline is permanently stuck in post-partum depression.

3)  You realize your favorite Sharpie pen is missing.  Later that same day, you see your cat holding the pen between its two front paws, stabbing itself repeatedly in the right eye.

4)  When your cat’s adult children stop by, they are greeted with a smack in the face and raucous hissing.  This is your cat’s way of letting their life-wrecking offspring know that they are no longer welcome within a ten-mile radius of your home.

5)  Your cat stops grooming their back-side and makes a point of sitting in the lap of anyone visiting your home.  This type of sneaky aggression should not be tolerated.

6)  Your cat aggressively chews holes in your underpants while you’re showering, completely unaware of your feline’s most recent and abrupt mood swing.

7)  Your cat purrs and licks your hand.  Then bites it.  Then licks it again.  Then bites it.  Then licks it again….this is Passive-Aggressive at its finest.  It should be handled firmly and promptly.

8)  Your cat stops kicking litter over his doo-doo…causing your entire house to smell like a toxic waste dump on a hot June afternoon in the deep south.  This telltale sign immediately warrants a doctor’s call and request for tranquilizers and anti-depressants.

9)  Your cat goes missing.  After a nine-day search involving bait and promises of liver and kibble, you find him hunkered down in the basement heater vent, sobbing about how no one loves him and maybe….just maybe…he’ll start eating worms.

10)  Your cat becomes a narcoleptic who is never awake, going potty all over himself and refusing to eat.  You have one of two options here.  Humane Society…or lobotomy.

These aren’t my thoughts.  My cat is walking across my keyboard.

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9 Responses to “Ten Signs of Feline Depression”

  1. Michael Cargill December 2, 2011 at 8:34 am #

    Bloody cats. Fine in smallish doses but owning one would be well annoying.

    Like

    • April Trice December 2, 2011 at 8:36 am #

      Bloody cats indeed.

      Like

  2. the child left behind December 2, 2011 at 11:12 am #

    I worried my cat was depressed when she bolted out the screen door (screen CLOSED, BTW) and took off to the neighbor’s house for the winter. I worried we didn’t pet her enough, or show her as much love as she needed.

    it was nice to be rid of the howling from the laundry room every morning at 5am (she is an early riser and wants to be fed immediately)

    but then I found out from the neighbor that no matter how much love and petting they gave my cat, she still howled at 5am …

    now I see she is just ADHD and wants instant gratification

    Like

    • April Trice December 2, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

      My cat peed all over my suede sofa and ran off into the sunset. Haven’t seen her since. That’s no joke.

      Like

      • Michael Cargill December 3, 2011 at 11:57 am #

        Suede sofa…?!? How posh are you? I wouldn’t be able to stop running my hands over a suede sofa, it would wear out in months.

        Like

      • April Trice December 3, 2011 at 12:05 pm #

        Yes, suede. And I never sit on them because they’re in the “good” room that I never use.

        Like

  3. Melanie Crutchfield December 2, 2011 at 1:32 pm #

    I think these are actually symptoms of something much worse. Your cat is…a cat. (Run for the hills, villagers!)

    Like

  4. madnessinmasquerade December 2, 2011 at 5:49 pm #

    Ha ha made me laugh a lot. Your blogs are always really interesting so I wanted to pass on the award of versatile blogger to you. To understand better follow this link http://madnessinmasquerade.wordpress.com/2011/12/02/versatile-blogger-award/

    Like

  5. mzklever December 3, 2011 at 11:43 am #

    My male cat does this anyway, no post-partum depression required. Except for the whining about nobody loving him; he doesn’t give a crap if he’s loved or not. I think he’s incapable of love unless it is below 68 degrees outside. Then he’s suddenly my best friend and wants to snuggle. Passive-agressive at its most general.

    Like

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