Prosti-Tots: And This is Okay?!

1 Dec

After my daughter’s first dance recital, it became abundantly clear that we were in no way, shape or form destined for the pageant circuit.  I think now I understand why the pageant moms are always looking rough.  They’re flat worn out.  They’ve had to wrangle a 4-year-old into pantyhose, wigs, layers of tulle, 8 pounds of stage make-up, fake eye-lashes, nails and spray tanning.  They should give a trophy to the Mom who shows up looking fresh as a daisy after getting her little queen ready for the stage.  Seriously.

You should’ve seen us dancing moms backstage.  We were all sweating like a gang of menopausal heffers, screaming at our kids, “DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT HAIRBOW!  DON’T DO IT!  QUIT RUBBING YOUR EYES!  YOU’LL SMEAR YOUR MASCARA!  QUIT CRYING!!  NOW!”

One of Cali’s sweet little friends had the backbone to DO what the rest of the kids WANTED to do, but DIDN’T out of unnatural fear.  She just stood there on stage…frowning into the light…not giving one hoot ‘n holler about dancing or looking pleased to be there.  That would’ve been me.

Anyway…earlier today I came across a blog talking about a book called “High Glitz: The Extravagant World of Child Beauty Pageants” by Susan Anderson.  She walks you through the process that these kids go through in the great quest for tiaras and trophies.  I’m talking nuts here, people!  NUTS!  I’ll go ahead and admit I have an odd fascination with pageants.  Not because I want to participate.  What fascinates me is the brazen exploitation of these children followed by treats and rewards.

Call me Amish…but I have a problem with five-year olds who look like 23-year-old women of ill repute.  The term “natural beauty” is offensive in the pageant world.  Their idea of “natural beauty” is fake teeth and airbrushing.  FAKE TEETH!  I believe they’re called “flippers” in the industry.  And you ain’t big-time until you got a flipper, hunny.

Places like “Unity Smile: The Flipper People” cater to pageant-eers looking for oral perfection.  And it’s not like you can go find those things in a consignment shop.  Well, maybe you CAN…but you really wouldn’t want your little piece of precious running around on stage with George Washington teeth.  It wouldn’t be the responsible thing to do.

And there’s pageant lingo.  Stuff like ‘Casual Wear’, ‘Crowning Dress’, ‘Boutique Outfit’, ‘Cupcake’, ‘Glitz’.  If I sent my kid up on stage in her ‘Casual Wear’…she’d be…well…nekkid. Eating a cupcake.  Some mamas see tutu’s and lip-gloss in their daughter’s future.  I see Art school, professional sports and communal living.

I live in the deep south…the bowels of pageant country.  Home to some of the most beautiful people on the planet.  When my daughter was a few months old, people began to talk.

“Oh, this divine child needs to be on stage, sweet-haht!  Would you just LOOK at those lashes?  She wouldn’t even need falsies! She’s precious…simply precious!  Let me contact ******* for you, mkay?  He’s who you’ll want to help with choreography, style, glamuh.  Let me just grab his cahd.”

It would confuse them when I laughed maniacally at their suggestion.  Perhaps if they would’ve looked behind me, they would’ve seen the Divine Child, picking her nose and ingesting its contents like it was prime rib.

I’m not bashing the entire pageant kingdom.  Just the ones that promote and celebrate itty bitty kids who look like prostitutes.  You know…Prosti-Tots.

Maybe I’m biased……but I think my daughter reeks of natural beauty…and I hope she grows up knowing that beauty comes from a place that can’t be altered by man.  This is my daughter.  You can’t manufacture a mess this hot:



17 Responses to “Prosti-Tots: And This is Okay?!”

  1. JerriAnn December 1, 2011 at 8:38 am #

    you are absolutely right! She is beautiful, just like her Mama.


  2. Michael Cargill December 1, 2011 at 8:43 am #

    Other than the one of Cali those pictures are freaky. I remember watching Little Miss Sunshine and found it really bizarre watching those kids dressed like that. I never knew beauty pageants were like that.

    Are Cali’s eyes really green or have you been cheating with Photoshop again? Are you of Irish descent by any chance?


    • April Trice December 1, 2011 at 10:03 am #

      Yep, her eyes are green like that….and I’m 1st generation Irish. The black haired green-eyed Northern Irish sort.


      • Michael Cargill December 1, 2011 at 10:48 am #

        Oh yeah, I remember you saying so a while back actually.

        No wonder you are so feisty and stuff. You got all the Christmas trees up yet?


      • April Trice December 1, 2011 at 11:07 am #

        Yes! That’s what all the pics were from! I put everything up the day after Halloween.


      • Michael Cargill December 3, 2011 at 8:10 am #

        This is why everyone loves the Irish:


      • April Trice December 3, 2011 at 9:15 am #

        Poor Kevin. Poor poor Kevin.


    • Michael Cargill December 1, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

      Sorry, I thought you said there was still one more to put up or something. I think working in an office turns me doo-lally.


      • April Trice December 1, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

        I do have one more tree but it’s in Cali’s school classroom….which is where it’ll stay until after the first of the year. I did my time in a “cubicle farm” office situation and fresh air was definitely minimal at best. I say boo to the office!


  3. Brescia December 1, 2011 at 9:38 am #

    Enjoyed this page. It’s so sad to see this happening with our little girls. Where is the innocence and the child play that has been taken away. This is abuse….I don’t care what anyone says.


  4. Palm Trees & Bare Feet December 1, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    Your daughter’s much more beautiful compared to the girls above. Those pics just make me squirm seeing those little girls with all that make-up and skimpy clothes on. I mean, come on, let them have a NORMAL childhood!

    Great post! 🙂


  5. Boy Mom Blogger December 1, 2011 at 11:59 am #

    I don’t get this pageant thing. Are there any pictures or stories of what happens to these girls – or what they look like – when they do turn 20? I think it’s sad…


  6. angrymiddleagewoman December 1, 2011 at 4:29 pm #

    What I see in your daughter’s picture is happiness! True, deep-down happiness and joy. You can’t airbrush that in.


  7. squirrel circus December 1, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

    So TRUE! For a while, I indulged in the guilty pleasure of watching Toddlers and Tiaras. It’s beyond bizarre. I secretly love it when one of the kids has a total meltdown and ruins their mom’s day — it’s what those moms deserve! Your daughter is… what shall we call it?… naturally-naturally beautiful….as opposed to totally fake-naturally beautiful.

    BTW – I know you’ve gottes these before, but I had to include Whimsy Whims on my list for a blogging award ( 🙂


  8. PinkMusings December 2, 2011 at 4:27 am #

    People actually do this to their children? And Social Services has no problems leaving these kids in these homes? Crazy… totally and completely mind-blowingly crazy



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