Martha Stewart and Jaclyn Smith: Kmark Shoppers?

22 Nov

Sometimes I secretly wish I’d turn the corner in Kmart and find Martha standing there looking perfectly groomed, ready to point out the difference between copper and stainless steel cookware.  But she’s never there.  Or to find Jaclyn over in the lingerie department educating the ignorant on the fine differences between a cotton and satin panty.

But nay.  These things I do not find.  Nor can I find that cart with the blue light on the top that held the envied and lusted after clearance items.  There was nothing like the thrill of the chase.  I’d knock down a small child to get at those 99 cent Circus Peanuts and floral print vinyl tablecloth.  Oh.  And remember the popcorn machine?  You’d pay like 50 cents and get a bag of something that oddly tasted like the smell of unwashed feet.

And I believe I have a vague recollection of Zip tennis shoes.  They were like beacons…just begging for someone to come beat the snot out of you for being a fashion violator.  I may have owned a pair.  I cannot say for sure.  But this I know.  There was no beating…only reverence of my gaul and audacity to be so blatantly ugly.

Okay, back to the Kmart posers.  Martha and Jaclyn.  I have a hard time purchasing anything with their name on it.  Mainly because I don’t want to be a financial contributor to these heffers.  Anyway, Martha steals half my ideas.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she was using illegal recording devices up in here.  The only difference is she takes my idea and renders it difficult and anal retentive.  And pompous.  I say paint the paper.  Martha says go out, kill a wild boar, drain its blood, collect said blood in the wooden bucket that you honed out of a sycamore tree.  Then you take that blood and create a vibrant hue of murder-red and you paint on that paper.  With a brush made of real horse and dog hair.  Anything less, and you are nothing but a sniveling imbecile.

Now about Jaclyn.  Every time I see her face, I want to do that Charlie’s Angels-gun-in-the-air-sexy-around-the-corner pose.  You know the one.  THIS one:

So I try to steer clear of her merchandise.  I don’t want to embarrass my kid by an involuntary karate chop that gets me expelled from a store I hate but always has exactly what I need when no one else does.

So are these money mongering divas Kmart-ers?  Oh heck to the no.  They fear us…and not the respectful kind of fear.  The puke-in-the-mouth kind of fear.  They have this.  I have no idea what they could be scared of…other than the layaway room that oddly resembles a prison holding area.  Not that I’d know.  But hey!  Maybe that was Martha’s contribution!  I’ll bet she was sitting there in a board meeting and held her pointer finger in the air, as to silence the room.

“People.  Now hear this.  In every Kmart store nationwide, there will be a room that resembles the one I was forced to sit in for 2 years.  It will be the layaway room.  The layaway room employees will dress in prison garb and sling degrading insults at the people who can’t manage their money and have to put stuff on hold.  Make this happen, so as not to displease me.”

I don’t care.  She doesn’t scare me.  Just last week I waited in the Kmart layaway room for 45 minutes so I could be first in line and beat the traffic.  I only put a couple of things in layaway.  Why?  Because I can.  It makes me feel like I’m getting away with something.

Now I have to go in there every two weeks and pay on my pile.  Lord knows I don’t want to lose those oven mits and licorice.

6 Responses to “Martha Stewart and Jaclyn Smith: Kmark Shoppers?”

  1. angrymiddleagewoman November 22, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

    When I was a kid that’s how my Mom bought everything – Layaway. My 13-year old daughter asked the other day what Lay-A-Way was and I told her it was how regular people paid for stuff before it was cool to max out all your credit cards and declare bankruptcy. An innovative way to pay for stuff BEFORE you used it.


    • April Trice November 22, 2011 at 7:47 pm #

      I completely agree, Angry Woman. I’m trying to teach my 6 year old that instant gratification isn’t the golden path to heaven. She finds me deluded.


  2. soulablaze November 22, 2011 at 7:59 pm #

    I accidentally stumbled on your site about a week ago and have been completely mesmerized. I adore your style of writing and it is the second thing I read in my inbox. The first is my Note from the Universe, darling;) Thank you for sharing your fabulousness with us. I am in an Artist’s Way workshop right now and told my group about you multiple talents and shared your site with them! Have a beautiful day.


    • April Trice November 22, 2011 at 10:41 pm #

      The Artist’s Way as in JULIA CAMERON?! Oh how I envy thee. I have the book and it looks like it’s 100 years old. Thank you for your kind compliments…but for the love of dust mites get back to the workshop and telepathically send me everything in living color!


  3. the child left behind November 22, 2011 at 10:02 pm #

    I have a love/hate relationship with KMart … I hate the area it’s in, but it’s cleaner than walmart, it has stuff target doesn’t carry, and people are totally shocked when they ask where I found that one of a kind faux fur zebra print throw with the hot pink backing. Sure, I had to wash it before giving it to my teenaged daughter (who thinks it came from Forever 21), but that was only ‘cuz the woman I wrestled it from knocked over her kid’s slurpee in the struggle …


  4. Michael Cargill November 22, 2011 at 11:09 pm #

    Martha Stewart looks like she was born frumpy but Jaclyn Smith looks like she was a corker in her younger years.

    Google images proves me right on the second point, couldn’t be arsed with the first.

    Kmark sounds like hell.


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