Dear Starbucks Re: Trenta

14 Nov

Trenta: (Italian definition) – The number thirty (30).

Trenta: (Starbucks definition) – Thirty-one (31) ounces of legal crack

Dear Genius Boy of Starbucks:

After many hang-ups, call-backs and veiled threats of a restraining order, I was able to ascertain your identity from Pam in the mailroom.  I bribed her with free McDonald’s coffee for one year.  No skin off my nose.  I’ve got connections all over the place, sir.  McDonald’s being in my top five.  Free coffee is my weapon of choice and I’m not afraid to use it.  I’ve got Burger King on my payroll too…making me a DOUBLE threat.  You hear me?  DOUBLE.  That means two.

That being said, I’d like to now point out your ignorance.  It’s right over there.  Peeking out of that new gallon ‘o glutton ya’ll are calling “Trenta”.  I’m also impressed with your choice of beverage names, by the way. You got some Spanish words…some Italian words.  A few American words.  Mighty inclusive of you!

I know in this day and age, it’s all about one-up-man-ship.  But ya’ll have taken it to a whole new level with your homicidal Trenta.  I smell cardiac arrhythmia all over the place.  I’m talkin’ people tipping over on the sidewalk, clutching their chests and soiling themselves all at the same time, screaming, “Starbucks! Why?  Whyyyyy???”

I’ve spoken with several medical professionals and they all concur that the executives of Starbucks (this would include you, Genius Boy) had mothers who smoked crack, dropped acid and drank Mountain Dew during their entire pregnancies.  They’re all probably huddled up in some crack house right now, proudly swapping stories of their highly successful children who stop by every Tuesday at 6 a.m. with 12 cups ‘o joe.  They have no idea that this is hush-slush.  An executive’s worse nightmare is a crack-head with loose lips.

I’m afraid Trenta is ‘New Jack City 2″.  Smashed Trenta cups layin up in the gutters, fallin outta baby strollers.  Of course, you were probably too scared to go see the first New Jack City, weren’t you?  Afraid your mama mighta been there?  I don’t even care if I’m ghetto.  Ghetto is fabulous.  Ghetto speaks the truth.  Ghetto ain’t scared to come up in your store with their 85 year old Auntie Martha who can’t walk no more because her kidneys bleed like stuck pigs.  Her doctor say there ain’t a damn thing he can do ‘cept keep her comfortable.  Seems all this kidney business is a direct result of all ya’ll stupid people selling my Auntie your witch brew for 15 years.  Done went and rotted her from the inside out.  Maybe I’ll bring her up there to YOUR office and let her sit with you all day so you can see, smell, hear and taste what you’re doing to this country and it’s peoples.

Now you got my blood pressure boilin’. I ain’t even got nothin’ else to say to you.  Okay-kay?  Not a thing.  ’Cept you can’t count.  31 ain’t 30, you female dawg.

Sincerely,

You Better Sleep With One Eye Busted Wide Open

Cc: Pam in the mailroom.  Hey, girl!  Good lookin’ out, yo!

Cccc:  All your crackhead mamas. Oh yes I did!

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9 Responses to “Dear Starbucks Re: Trenta”

  1. ldsrr91 November 14, 2011 at 6:33 pm #

    Currently I am drinking my own mix of 50/50 coffee, half De-caf and half regular. Trying my level best to do two things, cut back on the amount of caffeine in my system and reduce my dependency on this warm sweet elixir first thing in the morning, and my constant companion during the day.

    Not long ago, I finally succumbed and tried a cup of Starbucks.

    I had for literally years secretly wondered about the mystery surrounding coffee addiction and Starbucks affectionado’s so I caved and bought a small cup of it at Target.

    Man! Afterwords I had headaches and was light headed for a considerable time. I don’t know what is in it, but Juan Valdez be damned, I don’t need any more of that.

    DS

    Like

  2. Michael Cargill November 14, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

    April Trice, naughty girl, ghetto gangster and artist all in one.

    When the email alert came through for this it was slightly confusing at first ‘cos of the title.

    Like

    • April Trice November 14, 2011 at 7:00 pm #

      You confuse easily, dumpling.

      Like

  3. musingsoftheamusingmuse November 14, 2011 at 7:31 pm #

    Now I HAVE to blog about my caffeine addiction! I’ve already blogged about my cardiac arrythmia… 😛

    Like

  4. mamaschinsky November 14, 2011 at 10:58 pm #

    Love it! I actually work on a cardiac floor at a local hospital…I know a heart arrhythmia when I see one, and I can definitely see Starbucks causing a few thousand right now.

    And, uh…who in the damn hell needs thirty-one ounces of coffee at once? Get a “Grande” in me, and I’m jittery for HOURS. Bleh. Stupid Starbucks.

    Like

  5. Anna November 15, 2011 at 3:16 am #

    Does anyone even need that much coffee in one go? Well… probably not. Unless it’s for some kind of suicide bet, in which case it’s totally justified.

    Like

  6. Laura November 15, 2011 at 8:03 am #

    Hilarious!

    Like

  7. Hershey November 15, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    April Trice if you are not a stand up comedian, or writing for someones sitcom or movie, then you are not using your talent to its fullest potential. I am in stitches while reading all of your posts, and I just started yesterday…You done reeled me in girl!

    Like

  8. UponAtlas November 15, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    You should have it half decaf, or 3/4 if possible! Or else your mind is going to blow! That’s like a legalised, caffeinated version of C-4.

    Great post!

    🙂

    uponatlas.

    Like

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