On Neighbors

14 Oct

A necessary evil that comes along with the evolution of a civilized species.  Neighbors.  Unless you live on the tippy tippy tip of a pennensula, you have a neighbor.  You may not think so…but you do.  Even if you can walk out your front door and see nothing but fields on all four sides of you…they’re still there.  Neighbors.

Suburban and city living has brought people dangerously close to one another.  It’s like modern society’s idea of a sick joke.  Or maybe we’re all God’s reality show that keeps the heavens entertained on Wednesday and Thursday nights.  Kinda like that movie ‘The Truman Show’.

I’ve had the distinct pleasure of having some whack neighbors.  I mean, WHACK!  I was always hair-trigger ready in case they commited some heinous crime so I could run outside and be that neighbor they always interview.  Only I wouldn’t be saying anything like, “I had no idea.  He was clean cut and went to church every Sunday.”  No, nothing like that.  I’d break it down.  Like how I caught him one time running through our back-door neighbor’s laundry that was hanging outside.  He was skipping and had on an apron and black socks.  With lip-gloss.  All of this I would share with the public.

Alas…none of my neighbors have commited a heinous crime.  That I know of. But here are some examples of odd-ball neighbors that may or may not have been my neighbors at one time.  Just assume I’m always lying and no one will get their feelings hurt.

*  The neighbor who keeps his shades drawn all day, pulling into the garage after work, closing the door swiftly behind him.  Buying ominous amounts of cat food.  He feigns innocence when questioned about his participation in the growing neighborhood feral cat problem.

*  The neighbor with 4 kids and a phantom husband.  No doubt, he’s out earning the smacks to pay for the private school, BMW, bi-monthly nip ‘n tucks,  and the Mexican cleaning lady who comes TWICE a week now.

*  The neighbor who smacks his wife in the face.  You witness this.  Now you’re his best friend.  He’s an affluent part of the community.  A hot shot even.  He changes the security gate codes every Monday and Thursday, sometimes not mentioning the code-changes to his wife out of cruelty.

*  The neighbor who walks around like Barney Fife in a non-descript uniform, “checking” on things, making phone calls to report suspicious activity.  Like calling the police to tell them that his neighbor is beating his wife and dragging her up and down the stairs.  Turns out the neighbors were laughing and carrying laundry down the stairs.  Also turns out that Barney is one of those people who work in the forest.

*  The angry lesbian psychoanalyst obstetrician who wears white ribbed socks with her Berkenstocks and refuses to shave for the principal of it.


5 Responses to “On Neighbors”

  1. joem18b October 14, 2011 at 2:57 am #

    Those are some nice neighbor examples, showing good neighbor knowledge.

    I have a neighbor who was elected to public office, Ever since, he’s kept a large sign in the middle of his front lawn, which reads “John Smith. Your special friend.”


  2. Michael Cargill October 14, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    I think I might be a bit of a nightmare neighbour. Gardening is a pain in the arse so most of the time I don’t do it. A few months ago my back garden had 5-foot brambles and the front garden was taking over the house.

    It’s all nice and tidy now though.


    • April Trice October 14, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

      Is your ‘garden’ the same as my ‘yard’? Do you eat crumpets and drink Earl Gray tea at high noon? Do you have one loo or two? Have you ever been known to say “Bob’s your uncle”? Have you ever told anyone to ‘budge up’ when you couldn’t find a seat at a pub? Have you ever said, “Bung your car keys over, mate!” Would you say I’m dodgy? Have you ever had to go in to work with the lurgy? Are you or have you ever been affiliated with a slapper? Are you gutted because I’m asking so many questions?


      • Michael Cargill October 14, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

        To be honest I am scared because you are right on the ball there. Do I know you?

        You said you were Irish – perhaps your ancestors were fortune tellers.


      • April Trice October 14, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

        Fortune tellers and thieves.


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