Senior Citizen Nasty Love

12 Oct

First of all, let me begin by saying that I completely understand that old people need love too.  I’m not a complete monster.  But must we be subjected to watching them make out to the sound of elevator music while some morally dysfunctional dating website talks about how they can hook you up with anyone over the age of 75 who doesn’t have to wear a doo-doo sack?  Can’t they just send them a post-card in the mail?

It’s hard to explain to a small child why some old man on the television is trying to stick his tongue into the eye-ball of some unfortunate old woman with cataracts.  You know, I see the seniors all over Facebook and knee-deep in modern technology and that’s all fine and good.  But is THIS what we have to look forward to?  Old people with crazy eyes and an enviable knowledge of electronics?  I mean, LOOK at them!!

We don’t want to see this mess!  We want aprons, apple pie and Wrigley’s spearmint chewing gum.  We want Grandpa out in the garage fiddling around with a chunk of wood and a butter knife.  We want incontinence and impotence!  But someone had to go and teach them things.  They found out about hearing aids.  Then they all started hearing about that cell phone for the elderly.  The Jitterbug.

Then it just snow-balled from there.  Now they’re all over Skype, Facebook, Twitter.  They’re skulking around in internet chatrooms, virtual worlds and randomly emailing complete strangers.  But here’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.  The bat that broke the thieves knees.  The gurd in the throat.  I was minding my own business, when out of nowhere I was accosted by an ad campaign from AARP with a headline that screamed:

Seniors’ Sex Lives Are Up — and So Are STD Cases Around the Country

Infections especially high in states with many retirees.

No more than five seconds later, another headline scarred my eyeballs:

STDs Running Rampant In Retirement Community

Doctor Blames Viagra, Lack Of Sex Education

Really, people?  REALLY?  You see, THIS is what happens when you start letting them cruise the internet and answering their own phones.  The ego inflates, caution is thrown to the wind and irresponsibility abounds.

Quite frankly, I can’t continue this conversation.  Not today.  It all just sickens me.  So I’ll wrap this all up with a tutorial.  Webcam 101 For Seniors.


3 Responses to “Senior Citizen Nasty Love”

  1. Michael Cargill October 12, 2011 at 6:54 pm #

    The video is blocked for me at work but the post was good.

    Consider ‘doo doo sack’ and ‘bat that broke the thieves knees’ stolen.


    • April Trice October 12, 2011 at 6:59 pm #

      What kind of working establishment won’t let you waste copious amounts of time on YouTube?!


  2. Old Jules October 12, 2011 at 7:36 pm #

    We seniors definitely need to stay out of the way of you younger folks. We’ve all donealready been you, minus the spiked hair, the piercings, the tattoo thing, mostly. But otherwise you. We should have learned our lesson.


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