Banking: Bullying for Grown Ups

5 Oct

If I started talking about how much I loathe banks, we’d be here all day, tomorrow and next week.  So I’ll try to knock it down to the cliffnotes.  As we all know, banks are in a fee-raising frenzy that’s nothing less than a sucker punch in the face followed by a knee in the groin.  I’m always on the look-out for ways to rip off money lending institutions in a safe and legal manner.  So I’ve come up with a few tips to help the common man beat some of these full-blown stupid bank fees.

1)  Know the Rules:  Use universal assumption here.  All banks have stupid rules and they are obligated to inform you of these stupid rules if you choose to let them fondle your dollars.  So before you sign any paperwork, insist that they show you a list…a FULL and comprehensive list of all stupid rules that are currently being enforced.  They might tell you to watch your mouth.  They may even threaten to push the little red button under the head-teller’s drawer.  But don’t let them intimidate you.  You demand to see those stupid rules.  And get a copy.  Get TWO copies.

2)  Complain:  Oh yes.  You heard me.  Complain.  Become the raging hemorrhoid of your local bank.  Scrutinize your monthly statement.  Invite your friends over, start talking about their psychotic ex-spouse…get ’em all fired up…then ask THEM to scrutinize your monthly statement.  When you’ve identified the chicanery…and there will be chicanery…you pick up that phone and demand to speak to the head of the beast.  Banks love waiting until five seconds before your paycheck clears to process 15 mini-debit purchases that were made the week before.  Watch out for this one.  This little party trick is paying someone’s salary.

3)  Don’t Chase Offers:  Some banks will give you a semi automatic rifle for opening up a basic checking account.   Some of them try to lure you with iPods, key chains, hard candy…anything to suck you in.  Don’t make eye contact with these people.  Keep walking.  These people are no different from those creepy guys who drive around in panel vans and offer small children candy.

4)  Loiter:  Start hanging around the bank.  Go sit in the lobby.  Try your best not to look sinister.  Just let them know you’re watching…always watching.  You’d be surprised at the effectiveness of this tactic.

5)  Find a Better Bank (if that’s even possible):  Yeah, talk a little smack.  Tell them that if they don’t knock off their monkey trash, you’re going elsewhere.  Like right across the street.  Every bank on the planet knows that it’s a massive pain in the hind quarters to switch banks.  This is no accident.  Tell them you don’t care.  You’re a renegade and complicated paperwork and procedures don’t intimidate you in the least.  Again, try not to sound sinister and suspicious.

DISCLAIMER:  I cannot be held responsible for your bank’s reaction.


3 Responses to “Banking: Bullying for Grown Ups”

  1. Michael Cargill October 6, 2011 at 4:56 pm #

    I am British and one of the first rules of being a Brit is that you don’t complain about anything. I would love a gun though, they are great. I was in America a few years ago with some friends and we repeatedly shot a tree and a plastic bucket with a shotgun.


    • April Trice October 6, 2011 at 5:03 pm #

      Me thinks you Brits need to get out more. 😉


    • April Trice October 6, 2011 at 5:03 pm #

      Me thinks you Brits need to get out more. 😉


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